Nisha, like most college students, suffers from depression and its gotten to the point of her ditching class, dropping all her friends, and now considering dropping out of college all together. But her mother's not having it. She didn't make Nisha w...
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I get up early to avoid my mom and make myself a bowl of fruit loops for breakfast. I pretend to be asleep when she knocks on my door and peaks inside. I feel guilty but not enough to go see her or say bye when she leaves for work.
I don't enjoy being home alone it still makes me feel tense having a forest for our backyard. I go around the house making sure everything that has a lock locks then get in the shower. I don't know how long I'm in there for listening to the saddest playlist on earth but when I get out the suns no longer out. Just like my mood the sky is cloudy and it looks ready to rain. My sister loves the rain. When we were little we would run out into the backyard and dance like extras in a high school musical movie.
I miss my sister. I wish she and my brother were here.
I spend the rest of the day on the couch watching South Park reruns. When I here keys behind the front door I lean forward ready to run to my room but change my mind and sit back. What's the point, they yell at me I drop out and then I'm disowned. Maybe they'll kick me out and I can go live with Shadaye or Antonio for a while. Colorado is better then Illinois anyway.
"Oh good your up", my mom says as she walks through the door.
"Hi."
"Help me with the groceries we need to talk", she disappears into the kitchen and I silently sigh throwing off my cover.
I walk outside barefoot and grab as many bags as I can fit on my arm and bring them inside. I drop the bags on the island counter and start looking through them until she comes back in.
"We're having lasagna tonight?", I ask.
"Yes."
I nod. I don't want lasagna. She drops her keys into her purse and leans against the sink.
"Nisha why didn't you tell me about your depression when it first started why didn't you tell anyone?"
I frown, "What makes you think I didn't tell anyone?"
She makes a don't play with me face and I sit on the stool. "I thought I could handle it on my own."
"And you couldn't."
No mom I couldn't thank you for clearing that up is there anything else you want to point out? How about the F's decorating my report card cause my dumbass is to stupid to understand anything my professors tell me. Or how I'm a terrible note taker and no matter how many times I reread the passage I still fail the test. How about how all my friends stopped hanging out with me because I bring them down. Or how Anthony cheated on me with a Emily because I'm not pretty enough by European standards and that's all college is. Europeans standards, morning quizzes and sleepless nights studying or partying with cocaine up your nose and a dick your mouth!
"Did this depression start when you and Anthony broke up?"
I look down at my hands, "Can we not talk about Anthony please."
When I look back at her I grumble at the sympathetic look she's giving me. I hate sympathy more then I hate help. I wish she'd just leave me alone. I'll feel better when I leave NIU that's all I have to do to get myself back together. She picks up a random bag from the pile and hangs it to me over the others. It's heavy when I grab it and set it in my lap. When I open it I furrow my eyebrows.
"A sleeping bag? Are you kicking me out?"
"No what no. Do you remember all the clubs at your high school?"
"No."
"Well there's this one called the mental health awareness club and I signed you for their camping weekend."
I look down at the sleeping bag then back at her, "Why?"
"Why! Nisha you told me and your dad you going to drop out of college because of depression. I understand not liking college I didn't like it much myself but you worked to damn hard and too fucking long to get this far just to quit."
"But mom-"
"Shut up and listen. I understand your depression and I understand that college plays a big part in it but you didn't tell anyone when it first started so it's just as much your fault as it is college."
I try hard not to look irritated.
"I'll cut you a deal."
"What is it?"
"When you go on this trip if you actually try to get some help and talk to this people about what's going on, when you come home if you feel like this trip didn't help you in the slightest I will let you drop out of NIU. BUT if you make even one percent of progress you stay at NIU and attend regular sessions with the campus therapist or counselor or whoever."
