Unsaid Things: but i still want you

only chapter

I'm looking at him again.
His soft eyes, warm smile and sweet expression are always the best. Every time I look at him I feel so safe, so calm.
He's an amazing thing that happened in my life when I was broken. Like a glue that put my pieces together, letting me know that I could smile again.

"Did you like it? Wanna go somewhere else?" He asks me, kind as always.

"I like it a lot. Thank you for bringing me here." I answer him, meaning every single word.

I love the way he treats me.
He looks at me like I'm some kind of precious thing, he's polite, sweet, lovely. He looks like a prince, so charming and dreamy. Anyone would fall for him with no double thoughts.

Except for me.

I don't know why am I so dumb, but I caught myself thinking about you all the time. Every time he holds my hand, I wish it was yours. Every time I feel safe with him, I miss the way you make me feel: the rush, uncontrollable heartbeats, the tension. When he looks at me with those careful eyes, I remember your confused look fogged by desire. Or even your tearful eyes when I left you at the beach. You make me feel so many things. Love, rage, sadness, desire, happiness, pity, all at the same time. And I'm stupid enough to miss all these confusing feelings instead of enjoying all the care I'm receiving right now.

"What do you wanna eat?" He asks me, bringing me back. I smile and almost immediately my mind tricks me again, making me miss the hokkien mee your mom serves at the restaurant. I hate to remember it right now, when I'm with him, when he's so happy holding my hand.

And suddenly, like if fate wants to knock me out, they start playing our song. The one we sang together, not thinking much, when our fears were not big enough to break us apart. Each line, each note, they're like little needles in my heart. Like a little hammer breaking all over again.

I'm still broken.
Shattered around our memories, our feelings, our fears and unsaid things. I'm being loved, being cherished, but I'm only the pieces again. Next thing I feel it's the tears involuntarily coming down my face, making this scene even more pathetic. I'm crying over you while holding the hand of another man. A wonderful human being that doesn't deserve this sh*t treatment I'm giving to him; the false hopes, the disappointment. He doesn't deserve this.

"What... what happened? Are you feeling bad? Do you wanna leave?" He asks me and tries to collect all my tears, making me cry even more. He should just leave me here and find someone who's not broken. One perfect piece, with no flaws, ready to be adored and that will do the same for him, who's so precious.

Me? I'm just a broken china.
Useless, thinking about how wonderful was to be completed when I was with you. Wishing you to collect my pieces and love me with all your heart, with all your will. I would do the same, you know? I would give my all to you. We would put our pieces together and become the most beautiful kintsugi, restored with our golden love. More precious than before. Stronger than before. Together, sealed, no fears to fall again or break. Safe and sound.
But I'm asking too much.

"My head hurts a bit. Can we go home?" I ask him and he agrees, not letting go of my hand even for a second. He's the best companion I could even ask for.

But if he's the best, why do I keep wanting you?






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** kintsugi [金継ぎ] or kintsukuroi [金繕い]: a japanese technique that uses gold to restore broken pottery pieces. Known as one of the most beautiful ancient arts. Also has a philosophy about accept your flaws, mistakes and use them to become better.