Decrepit

Dear dad,

Dear Dad,
Do you remember that time 5 or 6 years ago? I was 10. We were at home, but we weren't really home were we? We were far, far away from home. Mom was in the shower crying, and I had just started to get bad again. You had no idea how you were going pay the bills, and you were so tired. You had just reached for a bottle but I was feeling really sad. I missed school but I knew that nobody there missed me back and that hurt so much. And I was wearing my uncles sweater because I missed hanging out with him but you and mom told me I couldn't anymore.
Anyway, I guess I should've known. You opened the beer and I told you. I told you how i felt. Just three words. I spoke them. It was hard. Even as a 10 year old girl i knew that something was wrong with you but I just felt really alone. And all the girls in the movies could run to their daddy's when they were sad so I just thought I'd give it a shot.
"Daddy, I'm sad."
You just looked at me with those eyes darker than the hole I felt like I was falling in. You looked into my eyes and said, so effortlessly, you said to your little girl,
"You need help. But I don't think there's anyone out there who can help you."
I was 10 years old, Dad. I should've had all the hope in the world, but I didn't.
That night, a lot of things changed. The light in my eyes went away, so did moms. That night, I stopped trying to believe that you would put down that bottle and try to get help. I stopped trying to believe that despite how bad you made me feel about myself, you still loved me. And that's the night I decided I didn't love you anymore. I was 10 years old, I was sad, I missed being a kid, and I couldn't count on you. Stop trying to come around, Dad. I've shut you out now and you and I both know there's nothing you can do about it.
You said it yourself, I'm hopeless.