A Complete Mess: Tales of a Misfit

The Death Of A Happy Kid

Hi I'm Deseray and this is my first time writing in a diary. The only reason I got it was because I forget a lot of stuff so I wanna be able to look back on it. Today is the first day of 9th grade. It's the first year we are doing virtual. To be honest I kind of forgot about school with the pandemic the president and the killings going on in today's world. Yeah scary right. It's not even the top scariest thing in my life. You see my life sucked way before I even knew the word pandemic. For instance my drunk dad. He's been getting drunk everyday since I was 8 when we still lived in South Carolina. The happiest place in my life. I have had to deal with him everyday since. It wasn't as bad he just passed out a few times. Well that was until my grandmother died in 2017. You would think I would have been sad about the day my grandmother died. Not really. I didn't even cry not even when I saw her dead body. Not when they told us to leave the house so they could put her in a bag. Not when I saw her in her casket. Not even when my whole family was devastated. Nope not me. But after 4 years I've realized that the day she died was the day pieces of me died. The best pieces of me to. I didn't know that over the years I would be angry and would cry myself to sleep. I was always an angry kid because I didn't have a mom . But it was just the usual stuff you know like getting in trouble at school detentions suspensions and occasional cussing out teachers. But never cussing out my family or people who care about me. Well at the moment that's no one. I started to get violent towards my family. I've done stuff I never thought I would do like punching my auntie or taking pills. And that was just when I was 10. I know what your thinking I'm such a bad kid. But I'm not I'm just an angry kid. And I don't even really know why. Am I angry because I lost my grandmother am i angry because of my drunk dad at i angry my family doesn't even talk to me am I angry because I have no mom or am I angry that I'm all alone in the end. That's a question I've been asking myself for years now. When I get my answer I will surely get back to you I promise. But for now we will just get on with the story.