※𝐃𝐞𝐛𝐚𝐭𝐚𝐛𝐥𝐞 𝐒𝐨𝐜𝐢𝐞𝐭𝐲 𝐀𝐔 (𝐀𝐭𝐬𝐮𝐬𝐡𝐢 𝐱 𝐀𝐤𝐮𝐭𝐚𝐠𝐚𝐰𝐚)※

Chapter 10

confronting how you feel is hard

The concept of having a serious conversation had always scared Akutagawa. He wasn't the best with words, and his immediate vocabulary wasn't the friendliest or even the most honest. Whenever a situation arose where he'd need to speak sincerely about his feelings or his thoughts or anything to do with him personally, he ran. He'd have kicked off and sprinted across the world if he could have.

But not this time. This time he wasn't going to run. He was going to be honest, he was going to sit down and talk about how he felt and what he wanted in the most sincere and respectful way he could; because this time he had something to lose.

No matter how difficult it got for Akutagawa to speak openly he was going to get through it because he feared what could happen if he didn't.

He feared losing Atsushi.

Which is precisely why he'd written about seven spider diagrams on how to formulate the perfect explanation and apology. Like a verbal 2 in 1 shampoo only hopefully not horrible.

It was evident that their relationship had progressed, especially evident after the events that happened a couple of days ago, but no matter how much those non-PG events were consensual and very much enjoyable; Akutagawa felt guilty. He felt like he'd taken advantage of Atsushi even though he knew he hadn't. As much as he was uncomfortable at the idea of spilling his guts to the one person whose opinion mattered to him. Hell, the only person who could hurt him at this point. He needed to because Atsushi deserved better. He deserved an explanation, he deserved clarity and peace of mind.

Akutagawa was determined to give him that clarity, because he feared that if he didn't someone else would swoop in and take Atsushi away from him. And that wasn't something Akutagawa was going to risk.

He wasted away behind his desk at the Laundrette, long fingers tapping on the wood anxiously as he finished off his second cup of steaming black coffee. Every time the door opened his head sprang up, much like a suspicious deer who heard the crunching of leaves, hoping to see Atsushi's pretty face making its way toward him.

About four heads later, a shimmering silver graced his vision. He shot up in his chair, probably way too enthusiastically by the way Atsushi's eyes lit up and the sound of a genuine laugh graced Akutagawa's unworthy ears.

"It's nice to see you too Aku" Atsushi greeted, eyes vanishing behind his bright smile.

"Don't laugh at me" Akutagawa grumbled, hating the way an embarrassed heat began to crawl up the back of his neck as he made his way around the desk toward his...toward his Atsushi.

"It was cute!" Atsushi's voice was high and excited, "I like it when you're happy to see me, it makes me happy."

Akutagawa's head said, I'm always happy to see you but his mouth replied with, "You're a dumbass." He needed to get a grip! Say what you feel you fucking idiot, "Uh—no wait, you're not dumb—I, I mean—"

Atsushi's smile didn't waver as he made his way over, locking Akutagawa in a warm hug. He'd never done that before, it was startling at first but Akutagawa soon felt himself melting over the small frame around him, head nestling gently on his shoulders as his arms gently slipped behind the shorter man's shoulders and back, "It's ok, I know what you mean." Atsushi's voice was slightly muffled against the taller man's chest, but still perfectly understandable. Akutagawa was certain he could hear the rapid thumping of his heart; he'd be surprised if he couldn't because damn it was deafeningly obvious to Akutagawa, Atsushi pulled away slightly but kept his arms snuggly wrapped around the taller man's waist, "So, what did you want to talk about? You seemed pretty panicked over the phone."