Inkless Letters

#4. A letter to your sibling.

Dear Falaah,

Yes, I know, I know. You’re not my sibling. But I have none, so I might as well write to you.

I’m not going to beat around the bush.

You’re the worst cousin ever. Do you have any idea what you mean to me? I would do anything for you. Take the bullets. Brave fires. Cross oceans. Absolutely anything for you.

And you threw me away, without a backward glance. You used me, and I let you. You walked away, when I had every reason to ask you to stay. You shattered my broken heart into such tiny pieces, that I can’t find pieces of me again.

Do you know how long it’s has been since I’ve talked to you? Two years. Two years for someone who said they “love” me.

You left me Falaah. Alone. Scared. Terrified. Broken. Lost.

Do you remember how close we were? I used to talk to you everyday. We used to laugh, find comfort in each other’s presence. We were inseparable.

When your dad had liver failure because of his alcohol addiction, I stood with you. I heard every thread of anger that fabricated your life. I listened to you at odd hours of the night. I distracted you. Gave you a shoulder to cry on, and someone to hug when the world became unbearable.

I was always there for you. Always.

But what about you, Falaah?

I changed schools because of mom’s transfer. And my life started crumbling apart, and I started tumbling down.

I was high up in the sky, and I plummeted down so fast, so strong that I could not process anything. I was locked in a haze, with not a speck of light to guide me. I tried to get up. To walk. To fly.

But I never did.

I only went in one direction. Down. I sank deeper and deeper in my own misery. My soul corroded, the days lost their brilliance, and my mind lost its happiness.

I was going to stay with you for summer. For a month. I was going to tell you everything. I needed to tell someone. I needed help, and I only could think of you.

I trusted you, Falaah. I did.

I was alive on only one thought you know? That I’ll talk to you. You’ll help me. You’ll be there for me. I wouldn’t be fighting this battle alone. Falaah you were supposed to be there.

I guess it was too much to hope for. My expectation is the root of my heartache. 

I remember, walking into your home, and you pulled me into your arms. Your hug enveloped me and you whispered, “I have so much to tell you.”

Just seeing you was amazing you know? I was already feeling alive.

I unpacked and settled down. We talked, saw movies, and sang rather off tune but, hey, we had fun.

I can’t tell you how happy I was feeling. I was perfectly incandescently happy. I was lying down in bed, staring at the ceiling and feeling pure joy. Feeling invincible.

I heard a silent knock.

“Yeah?” I whispered to the darkness wondering if I imagined it.

“Are you awake?” your deep voice filtered through. I pulled my covers off, and unlocked the door. You sat down on my bed, and I sat down next to you.

“Can I tell you something?” you asked as I smiled and nodded. When you didn’t say anything, it hit me that it was too dark for you to see me nod. “Sure” I replied.