Since I was a young child, I've always felt such a connection to the ocean. I used to love to sit on the docks at the harbour and look down into the water and imagine what it would be like to sail away. It was a dream of mine— sailing through the endless dawns until I finally reached paradise, wherever it was. Alas, not all things are meant to be. But oh, how I loved to dream. I long for the sea, but never know how to explain it. It's not the ocean itself, but rather an anticipation of a journey that will never come.
When I first learned about Elves, I was positively enamoured with them. Their culture, their elegance, their mannerisms; it felt comfortable. It felt like Home. Which makes no sense, as my home is nothing like that. I had a teacher in sixth grade who was obsessed with "The Lord of the Rings," which I had never seen. She always told me that if I had a bow I'd be a little Legolas. I thought that was dumb because I didn't even know who that was.
And then she told me about him.
And I was hooked.
I had never even heard of the story but I found myself able to fill in parts I hadn't been told about. My teacher was shocked and said I must have heard it somewhere. I brushed it off, certain I must have from my dad or the media or SOMETHING.
I hadn't.
I've always loved fantasy, so when the time came for me to read "The Hobbit" I was thrilled. My father handed me his old copy, telling me he figured I was old enough. It was a difficult read, but I loved it. I loved the world and the familiarity of it all.
Finally, I watched the "Lord of the Rings" with my family. I was shaking while watching, so absolutely enraptured with the story and the characters; particularly a certain Elf. I didn't know how to explain the feelings I felt so I passed it off as a crush, not knowing quite what I felt. It didn't feel right, but I didn't know what else to say. It was the same with Thranduil in "The Hobbit"— I cracked it down to the fact that it was a crush. But it wasn't. I didn't look at him thinking "that's an attractive Elf."
I looked at him thinking "that's Dad."
Which made no sense! My father was in the other room, and this random character from a movie certainly was not my father.
But I was drawn to it, always rewinding to watch scenes with him in it for that feeling of familiarity, for that feeling of comfort. For that feeling of "that's my Dad."
Which made no sense, right? Absolutely none.
I started reading the books in August, pouring over the pages, marking them with flags and sticky notes, taking intricate notes in my notebook about all of the parts that touched me.
And boy, were there many.
My sister and brother like to make fun of me when they realized all of the leaf green flags marked my favourite parts with Legolas, thinking it was hilarious that there were so many. "You're obsessed with him!" they say. I didn't fully know what to say. They aren't wrong, really. I am. But not for the reasons they may think.
I first heard of Otherkin in eighth grade, and immediately I thought I was a wolf (as most eighth-graders do.) I immediately thought of all of the memories I had of running through the woods, living in such forested areas. I didn't analyze what I would see, instead thinking "wolves live in the forest, and wolves are cool. I must be a wolf."
I realized it really didn't fit, that wolf didn't feel right. I would meditate and feel shifted, but I wasn't a wolf. I would feel tingling in my ears, the tips of my fingers, the crown of my head rather than limbs, ears or other attributes of a wolf. I decided I was just overreacting— that the memories were just imagined and simply wishful thinking.
My dear friend Froda brought the idea of Otherkin up to me again, not too long ago. Immediately at the words Otherkin, my mind went "Legolas. Legolas. Legolas." I pushed the thought away, as though I'd never thought it. As though the term was new to me and that I hadn't ever thought of it. Talking with her, though, has been enlightening. Her being kin with Frodo making it even more prominent in my brain.
I've finally accepted that I am kin with Legolas, prince of Mirkwood. I'll be using this journal to share memories and my experiences. I hope you enjoy following me on this journey of mine!
Merrui mín thand ,
~ Laegolas
