Dare to fall

Blakely

I'm trying to finish the pinafore when the banging starts at my door. Scar is picking the kids up from kinder and isn't due back for a couple more hours, so I have no idea who could be banging like that. I make my way down the hall, yelling for them to stop before they break my damn door. Making sure the chain in attached, safety first, I crack the door open.

"Let me in B, we need to talk."

James. Shit. Double shit. Act cool Blakely.

"Hey James, what's up?" I ask casually as I open the door fully.

"Don't give me that bullshit B. You know exactly what's up." He fumes. "If you have a problem after last night, you need to talk to me, not make up a bullshit fake date tonight."

My money is on Scarlett, the bitch.

"Fucking Scarlett." I mumble, walking towards the lounge room.

"No, not fucking Scarlett. Fucking Blakely. I shouldn't have had to be bitched out by your best friend because you wont talk to me B." He sighs and flops onto the couch, putting his head in his hands. "What happened with Tyler? What did I miss?"

It's the sad eyes that do me in. Like somehow, he feels personally responsible for my shitty relationship with his friend.

"You didn't miss anything. You saw exactly what we wanted people to see." I say, sitting beside him. "And I saw exactly what he wanted me to see. I was the blind one. Not you."

"I thought you were happy."

"And I pretended I was enough that even I believed it some of the time. It was easier to pretend I was happy than face being a single mum. I was scared. Tyler knew exactly which buttons to press to use that fear to manipulate me."

So, I tell James all of it. How he manipulated me into thinking all our problems were in my head, imagined problems I was making up for the drama. Then when that stopped working, he manipulated me into believing all our problems were my fault. If I'd just be a little less demanding. Ask less of him. Keep Willow quiet when he got home from work. On and on, until I stopped fighting. I just existed. I stopped being happy. I stopped being sad. I just stopped.

"I woke up when he left." I explain. "I realised I was sleep walking through my life and that's not the parent I wanted to be. I'm happy now. I have Willow, I have a job I love. And I have Scar and Cleo and my damn sanity. Him leaving was the best thing that could have happened to us. I try to hide that from Lo. I blow smoke up his ass and make out like he is a good Dad in the hopes that one day he will be. One day he will realise what he is missing."

It's at this point I realise I'm crying and wipe the tears away. James hasn't said a word throughout my whole story.

He looks up at me, wipes the rest of my tears away then pulls me in for a hug.

"I'm sorry B, I didn't know any of that. I kind of get why you freaked out this morning, but I need you to know I'm not him. I'd never treat you like that. Hurt you like that."

"I just need more time James. I can't give you what you want right now. I'm still learning to live my own life uncontrolled by someone else."

"I don't want to control you. But okay, I've waited this long, I can wait some more." Looking dejected, he stands up and heads to the door, turning around he says "But B? no more Tinder. I'll wait, but no more dates with assholes that don't deserve you."

I walk toward him slowly, put my arms around his waist and rest my head on his chest. It feels nice to just be held. To be heard and understood. I know I can love James. Part of me always has. But I'm not ready to make that final leap. I'm not ready to trust. I don't know when I will be, but I know I can't ask him to wait for that. Just sitting on the sidelines, giving me space. To hold onto something that might never be. So I try my best to tell him that.

"I want you James." I mumble into his chest. "Last night, I wanted you. It probably makes me a horrible person, but when you kissed me, I knew. I knew I wasn't ready for more than physical, and I let it happen anyway. I'm selfish and I took the release I wanted and told myself I'll deal with the fallout tomorrow."

"I wanted the release just as much as you." He says, trying to lift my chin to look at him. I can't look at him, or I won't have the courage to get the rest out.

"You're not listening to me. You can't wait for me." I push the words out fast, refusing to let him stop me. The tears come harder now; I know what I'm losing. "I can't be what you want. I want you, yes, but not in the way you want me. I want your body, your touch, but I don't want your love. I'm scared I'll suffocate. If I lose you, I won't make it."

I let him go and look him in the eyes. "I can't risk it. But more importantly, I can't lose myself again. Can you understand that?"

"I'm trying to. What do you want me to do? Stick around? Be your friend? Or disappear?" he asks, there's a catch in his voice when he says disappear that tries to weaken my resolve.

"I don't want you to leave. But I can't ask you to stay." I look down at my vibrating phone to see a text from Scarlett, the traitor.

I know you're mad at me right now, but know I love you and only want the best. I'm taking Lo to ours for a sleepover. I know you'll turn him away because you feel its what's best, but I know you'll hurt all the same. I love you B xx.

"Don't be too mad at her." James says, seeing who the text is from. "She didn't tell me any of what you told me, only that your life with Ty wasn't what is seemed. She cares about you."

"Willow is staying at Scars. Will you stay with me for a bit?"