If We Only Had A Chance

The Lesser Evil

Warning: animal death/gutting, dysfunctional family, brief mention of trafficking

The first time I killed something was when I was six. I was on a hunting trip with my father and my brother when we spotted a bunny up ahead. My brother mounted his rifle and was about to take aim when my father stopped him. I remembered the words he said next and it still invokes me to shiver

"Your sister is taking this one," He whispered. He looked at me expectedly. My bow was tight in my grip and I could feel my arrows in the quiver attached weigh heavily against my shoulder. My brother stayed down and blew a rough sigh out through his mouth.

I pulled an arrow out and slid it onto my string, locking it in place. I could feel my hand shaking as the bunny sat still and waited for its inevitable doom. I had brought my bow in hopes I wouldn't have to use it. Hoping every animal we came across my Dad would want to kill.

"It's just a bunny," My dad whispered close to my ear and still I could feel my hand shake. "It will be killed later on in life. That will be a much more painful death. We are putting it out of its misery."

"Killing is wrong," I whispered although I knew that's all hunting was, killing and there was nothing wrong with hunting. My Dad's eyes were staring me down and I could flinch as he glared, but that showed I was scared.

"It will die sooner or later. Sooner rather than later. Just shoot, think of this as the lesser evil." The lesser evil. I remember those words. The way they knocked around my head for days on end after a kill. I took a deep breath and my hand stopped shaking. It's the lesser evil right. This will be better for both of us.

Breathe in. Breathe out. I let go of the string and I remember the feeling of the string passing my arm. I remember it felt like I could hear it sink into the bunny's flesh but really I only heard the sound of it hitting the ground. I let my bow fall to my side and let out a breath that was anything but steady. My brother was already up and heading towards my kill while my dad had a big grin on his face.

"I knew you could do it. Greatest shot I've ever seen. Come on now lets go get it," He said with glee and patted me on the back. I stumbled forward a bit and followed my dad to the dead bunny with the arrow already pulled out by my brother. My brother put the arrow back in my quiver and leaned down to my ear.

"Nice shot. Next time, don't hesitate." He didn't have a smile on his face, I don't remember the last time he smiled. Probably when mom was alive but I can barely remember her.

"It'll get dark soon, we'll take this back," My Dad said, picking the bunny up by its legs. When I saw him holding it I don't know what I thought I was doing. Killing something absolutely defenseless against me, that was ridiculous. I felt the first tear roll down my cheek before I heard the ugly sob that came out of my mouth. I cried.

Through the tears I could see my father's disappointed look and him moving forward with the rabbit in hand. I couldn't move, I couldn't even collapse to the ground. My Dad grabbed me by the arm and hauled me behind him while I sobbed. He dragged me all the way to the house where I was still crying. I killed an innocent animal. I couldn't get over that. Dad left me in the front room and I stood there and cried and when he came back, without a bunny in tow I cried harder.

My Dad walked in front of me, he looked angry and I was hoping it was the tears distorting my vision. He grabbed my chin hard and tilted up my head. Out of the corner of my eye I could see my brother smirking.

"Why are you crying?" My father asked as if it was a bad thing to feel bad for taking a life.

"Because- because I- I killed it," I said in between sobs that made my throat go sore.