Splintered Heart

Holiday Season 2017

"Oh my. Aren't you just the most adorable little princess and cowboy," I cooed at the two kids standing on my porch trick or treating. They each took one piece of the target brand candy. There was no money for the real stuff. The next group of kids was already making their way up the path so I didn't bother to close the door. "Oh my. Aren't you the most adorable little princess and captain America."

Once the next two had retreated I heard Ellie crying from her bedroom.

My little girl was two and a half now. Last year had been hard. It was the first holiday season without Brandon that I could remember. It was only Halloween, the holiday season just beginning, but I could already tell this season was going to be easier than the last.

That knowledge filled me with guilt. I fiddled with the wedding and engagement rings on my left hand. I couldn't seem to let go of that last part of him, still clinging to them like they were my last lifeline to him. Because it felt like they were.

"What's wrong Ellie-bug?" I asked, looking at her in her toddler bed. We'd recently transferred to a toddler bed. She was late on the transition but based on how poorly she'd been adjusting I was worried I still did it too soon.

That's one of the worst things about being without Brandon. I miss him everyday, but doing this, raising a daughter without him. I had nobody to be my soundboard. All the decisions were mine and mine alone. Me. Christine gave me wisdom but she never had any babies of her own or raised them. She was so helpful, and I appreciated it beyond measure, but neither of us had any real idea what we were doing.

Regardless, I thanked God everyday for Ms. Christine. She was the only grandmother Ellie had known. I still hadn't heard from Brandon's parents.

I just hoped we weren't doing irreparable damage.

I wouldn't be able to afford the therapy it would cost.

"Scared," was all she said. I ignored the ringing of the doorbell for as long as it took for her to fall back asleep. I didn't know what fears were keeping her up at night; I just hoped they were smaller than mine.

I'd take her trick or treating for the first time next year. Last year I hadn't been in the headspace mentally and most of the holidays had slipped right by without me really noticing. And honestly, I still felt she was too young. She had no idea what it was and it wasn't worth the disturbance in her sleep schedule to get a bunch of free candy for her to get all hyper from. Not worth it.

Once she was sleeping I quietly tiptoed out of her room and went to the front door, deciding to just sit on the porch and wait for trick or treaters to prevent them from ringing the doorbell.

By the time the sun was setting and the last of the trick or treaters were retreating from the neighborhood I was exhausted, having worked all day, rushed home to cook dinner and get Ellie in bed to then handing out candy. It was a lot.

I'd been working at my job for a little over a year and a half. I was overworked and under appreciated but it was one of the few jobs in town in my field. And I already spent so much time away from Ellie I didn't want to add more by having to commute an extra thirty minutes each way.

Ms. Christine already did so much for me; I couldn't add an extra hour to the time she watched Ellie for me. For free. She refused to take any money from me. She was truly a blessing. Without her I'd basically be working just to send Ellie to daycare.

"You want a cup of tea?" Ms. Christine asked from across the small lawn space between our houses.

"Sure," I nodded, motioning for her to come to my house. Ellie's bedroom window was visible from Ms. Christine's front porch and usually I wouldn't mind sitting on her's since my house and particularly my daughter's bedroom were visible, but since she'd been having trouble transferring to the toddler bed I wanted to stay close.