Colors

prologue

I never really thought I could find love.

I'd always walked through life satisfied. Yeah sure, maybe it was a bit boring, but I was content. I did have fun with my amazing group of friends, but I don't know, something about it didn't make me feel alive.

Love was a foreign concept, especially for my foreign parents and me. We never really discussed love and relationships. I guess it was always just assumed that I would find a guy and marry him at some point.

At least I wasn't forced to have an arranged marriage. That would've been funny as hell, yes, but a whole other situation in and of itself.

As a first generation Indian-American girl, things were predictable. I never thought of myself as anyone special, and my background confirmed that. Unless I made a unique name for myself, I was just another ordinary girl.

I wasn't the smartest or the most athletic or the most beautiful. I was just...

Me.

I wasn't the kind of girl who could just go make out with someone randomly. I'd never even had my first kiss. Things like that made me feel boring. Out of place. Being thought of as boring hurt. A lot. More than I showed. I wished I could be the fun girl everyone wanted to be friends with, but that just wasn't me.

Wasn't there more to life and relationships than making out with people? Where was the spiritual connection? Why didn't anyone crave for understanding and an emotional balance with their partner? Why were relationships restricted to physical affection?

All these questions were present in my mind, and it took a while before I truly understood the answer to them. Even though I knew my thoughts and questions were rational and valid, a part of me still wanted to be that girl. The one everyone idolized. At least, when I was younger I did.

People don't realize how easy it is to hurt someone.

I was always careful about truly opening up to people because I never knew when I was educating an enemy. I learned that the hard way. Since then, only my best friends knew about my feelings, and even they didn't know quite everything.

I've always been quite embarrassed by my sensitivity. My personality can be quite tough and sarcastic, and my sensitivity can confuse people and me as well. I can take a joke well, but sometimes, my brain can take things way too personally.

I've learned, over the years, that it's not my fault and that I should embrace my sensitivity because it allows me to understand others' emotions and empathize with them, but it can be hard to remember that when it feels like whole world is crashing down on me.

I try to keep my sensitivity to myself; even though I know it's what makes me special and such a great friend, it really hurts when I can't express my emotions. I've never truly confided in my friends about it either. My family, though, knows and loves me despite it.

That's the incredible thing about family: they know all of each other's flaws and stick with each other despite them. I can control my tears for a moment, but as soon as I enter my home, it all comes pouring out of me. It's hard to explain what being so sensitive is like to someone who isn't because they think I'm just someone who wants to cry all the time and can't take jokes, but it's not like that. I just wish people could understand or at least try to.

My family was absolutely incredible and supportive throughout my entire life, but I was always just caught up in this never-ending cycle of getting good grades, hanging out with my friends and family, and going out on certain occasions. This wasn't anyone's fault, just my own perception of how life should be: predictable, moderately fun, and simple.

I never had something to look forward to. I mean, I wanted to get into college and have a career and a family of my own, but I never had anyone that made my heart race.

There wasn't anyone on my mind in the last moments before I fell asleep. There was never a face that popped up in my mind when I woke up. My face never lit up with this certain excitement when I saw someone, and I'd never felt giddy because of something someone said or did.

Yeah, I had some crushes in my time, but none ever made me feel the same way Jai had. Jai was endgame; whether I accepted it from the beginning or not, I had always known.

I've always had commitment issues. They didn't exist because of my lack of loyalty or my resistance to relationships but rather because of the lack of excitement. In any scenario where I've liked someone or had some sort of interest in them, the minute we hit the "climax," or exciting point, things just died down on my end.

I needed someone who could keep me guessing and wanting more. I needed every fiber of my being to be solely invested in someone special. I didn't need a man; I could be successful and happy without one.

But Jai was the kind of want that felt like a need- a want so desired that it becomes a need.

No one ever had ever made me feel special before him, and I wasn't just going to settle for any random person.

My entire life was filled with more patience than I realized. I breezed through life, almost missing out on some of the best parts. Thankfully, I had my friends through it all, to keep me excited and on my toes. As much as I call myself impatient, I've been waiting for Jai longer than I've realized.

I learned a lot about myself after he and I collided. I was running (more like speed-walking since I walk quite quickly) through my life without seeing any of the colors. Everything was gray, not that I minded (since gray is my favorite color), but it got a bit dull at times. Since I liked the color, I never really questioned the life I walked through. It was plain, dull, and lacked any excitement.

But after Jai, I could appreciate all of the colors of life. Everything felt so real, so alive. I felt like everything was in high definition. The world got sharper. It was incredible to just walk through life, pausing and stopping with the people I loved to truly see and understand and appreciate fascinating things.

It was so eye-opening and beautiful to be living in such a raw, exciting world. Even just the small things, like my heart racing when I saw him, was enough to add a whole other dimension to my perception of the world.

The blue moments made me strong, and the yellow ones brightened my life to extents I didn't even know were possible.

And the red moments, don't even get me started on those. Yes, the angry moments taught me self-awareness, but the red I'm talking about represents passion. The excitement and love. We definitely weren't pink, that's for sure. Neither of us were careful and lighthearted. Everything was all or nothing for us. Our emotions were so strong and so deep that they could never be reduced to just pink. Pink is slow, sweet love. Ours was more fiery, the kind that consumed us. The only way to describe the emotions was with the color red.

After he entered my life, there was a whole lot more red.

Even though Jai had a hard time seeing the colors himself at times, he always made sure that I could see them.

And for that, I am forever grateful to him.

**

did i just- did i- did i do that??

holy crap.

well, posting this now holds me accountable to actually post the story :D

if this is gone in a while, don't be surprised because i chicken out of everything xD. hopefully i won't because of the accountability now.

updates WILL BE SLOW. i can't have a schedule; it just won't work for me, but hopefully i can find time to write stuff and continue this story :)

you guys are amazing <3

side note: the INCREDIBLE cover was made by bookworm_2726 .

hopefully i will see you guys soon with another update! (christmas break is approaching so that hopefully means more time to write!)

and please bear with me, i'm trying to become a better writer <33

have a great day :)