Finding You (Ang Hanapin Ka)

Preface

I still remember the first time I read a passage on this book where it told me that "neither of us is happy but neither of us wants to leave so we keep breaking one another and calling it love." It gives me the shiver, still -- the shiver that you get when something hits so accurately, you feel that a mere passage in a book partly told a moment in your life that's true in context.

All my life, I've always lived to the thought that maybe, if it isn't love, I don't want it. I didn't grow up having people who taught me lessons in life the positive way. There was no "official coming out" that happened when I told myself that this is what (and how) I identify. The people who I grew up with told me that they simply knew, and there was no need to tell it.

But apart from these upbringing that I've had, growing up gay means somewhat "not having the privilege to walk this aspect of life." I felt like half of my life's half were invested mainly on heartbreaks, disappointment, and the pretension that I can make it as long as I fake it.

I've dated quite a number of people to check how this would satisfy my curiosity of how two people connect and attempt to establish affinity, despite having the same sexual orientation. People on a wide spectra of age, lifestyle, profession, and status -- I was surprised that I was able to go on that point in my life.

One of the hard challenges I've faced so far is failing and falling into an emotional disconnect that led me to not believe in the concept of love anymore. I've felt like I've been always trying and giving my all, and then suddenly, everything goes into a blur -- suddenly, everything does not make any sense anymore. Until the time came where I can't identify what's love and what's not.

It took me a while to understand myself and waited for that "Yes, this is the ""me"" that that I've been longing to see for quite some time." after that ordeal. The silver lining of being desensitized in meeting a hefty amount of people and riding emotional roller-coasters helped me understand myself more and guided me to point out what do I exactly want to chase.

Wishfully thinking, I'm writing this story in response from a time-capsule I organized way back from the time I started here in Wattpad for myself. Over the last seven years of writing stories that didn't make it to be even published live here in the site, I'm hoping that this would redeem the reverie of my past self that hoped for: the time that I can write because I better understand things now.

And if there's something that my past self would answer when I ask him "What were you doing all this time?" I'm pretty much certain that he would say...

"Finding You."