When We Were Young

Don't Say Goodbye

Skylar had gathered everyone at Samuel's bar for an early get together the Sunday afternoon before my flight. A going away party and a birthday party, but as the day approached I wasn't much in the mood for celebrating.

We talked around the conversation for that last month. We pretended like nothing was wrong and I was going on a trip. We couldn't keep our hands off each other. I would take her in the kitchen, slipping off her shorts and leaning her against the counter. Or she'd follow me in the shower. We were barely apart. It was like when we first met, after I fucked up and nearly lost her. I was so much younger back than. I can't believe she actually stayed. I wonder if we both would have been better off if she had just left me. 

I'd wake in the middle of the night to hear her soft cries. I wouldn't say a word. I would just pull her close to me and love her back to sleep.

We avoided the conversation of our future together.

Our friends stopped asking, too.

I got to the point that I believed she was actually going to follow me one day. And soon. I was grateful to our friends. Grateful they would come to see me off. Most everyone was excited for me. They asked about my new flat. They asked about the work I'd be doing, and when I would be back to visit. Nobody brought up the fact that Skylar wasn't leaving with me.

It was obvious that she wasn't going.

The apartment seemed empty even though nothing of Skylar's was moved. Many of the pictures of both us remained in their frames on the shelves. I sent half of my things through cargo, so I had about three suitcases left and they sat in the corner of our bedroom.

I sat on the bed a long time, my elbows resting on my knees. The sun was setting, and the room was warm. I was looking out onto the street. It was quiet, but in the distance I could hear shadows of conversations of those passing on the sidewalk. My head was throbbing from lack of sleep. I stayed awake long after I made love to Skylar and just watched her. I watched her breathing and dreaming beneath her eyelids. I listened to her small groans and whimpers when she'd roll over. I felt her reach out for me instinctively, her hand finding me and the corner of her lips twitching before she would sigh.

What would happen when I was gone? Would she wake up and forget I wasn't there, or just roll over and forget. What would she think about the first morning I wasn't next to her?

The only thing I could think of at that moment was that I was making a mistake. "You ready?" Skylar's voice broke through my reverie.

"Coming," I yelled and gathered myself up to meet her in the living room.

We headed to Samuel's and were thrust into hugs and handshakes, tears and laughs. I was overwhelmed, a bit in shock as the realization set in that in less than a day, I would be back in England.

Skylar wouldn't let go of my hand, and if we weren't holding hands, my arm was around her shoulders. She was emotional, tears always just on the brink of spilling down her cheeks. I tried to put on a brave face, but I couldn't. When she would stutter her breaths, I would kiss her forehead and hold her close.

Soon, people started to say goodbye as the evening drew to a close. Annabelle cried, and Robert gave me a huge hug. Samuel got choked up and Rachel's face was streaked with tears.

"Listen," she said, pulling me aside. Her voice cracked as she hastily wiped her cheeks. "You've been so good for her. So good to her. You need to know that. You need to know that this isn't you," she lost her voice in her tears and bit her lower lip so hard I thought she would bleed. "I'm really going to miss you, AJ. I really am. Damn it," Rachel said, her voice weak.