As time passes, it becomes more and more clear to me how addictions create, and develop. Also my manias related with OCD.
Right now, I'm feeling exactly the same feeling I have every day... Is it worth doing this? Is it worth writing?
Every fucking day, I have to face this feeling.
Ghosts of the past mutter me that I have to keep living.
Conscience of the present tells me that this life makes no sense, nothing is real.
If I were another person, I would have committed suicide by now but... Not even that is worth it.
If you are a believer, then suiciding could make sense to you. You would be able to meet your loved ones who died, and that God who you are in love with.
At least, this is how believers think it works.
However, when you are an atheist like me, you know that's all bullshit.
Reality is what we see and what we can prove it exists; if we cannot prove something exists, it simply doesn't.
To me as an atheist, dying means nothing. You simply, stop existing.
So even if I wanted to commit suicide as a... Maybe a form of complaint against this society, etc... It just won't work.
Even death doesn't matter nowadays, I'd be just another number added to the full count of suicides per year and country.
The humour in Internet culture also make things worse: there is no respect for absolutely anything.
Nowadays, in the Internet, they are going to make fun of everything.
Nowadays, nothing is taken seriously.
That is a huge problem we have with Internet, and will have to he addressed if we want to control it.
Ads also, are a huge problem. If TV is just a distraction for society, imagine Internet nowadays. The impact is simply, huge.
Coming back to addictions, and manias... Why do I keep playing games? The answer, may not be clear to outsiders, but to me it is: because of my "environment".
I just game because if I do so, I don't exist. The games just absorb me.
This is dangerous, paired with the fact that my consciousness tells me that nothing makes sense, or it is even worth it.
If nothing is worth it, and nothing makes sense, and this life is just a joke... Then disappearing is just the solution right?
I guess that's the thought process my brain follows without asking.
If I want to stop gaming... What happens? Anxiety. I start bitting my fingers, and tearing off my hair.
It is funny tho, this also happens when I game.
But if I don't hace games, I'm alone with my thoughts. And they are quite scary. My mind is terrifying.
That generates a lot of bad feelings I ant bear, and then that's what makes me game again.
It's an endless cycle.
Gaming addiction is a huge problem, and must be recognized like it.
This is not niche anymore, it is a reality, and increasing.
I merely hope, I change my view about life soon enough, when it is still not completely ruined.
And if I had just 1 wish... I would wish I never had started playing games in my whole life.
Games, are the worst thing that have happened to me.
In reality, I'm completely alone. I feel like that. Not even having my family counts for me, or even friends.
I am, alone.
