I Need Help

January 27, 2015

January 27, 2015

1:01pm

My entire life I've just felt- empty. I'm not sure how to describe it. I lost interest in all of my hobbies, my patterns of sleep are constantly changing. I'm always irritated and pissed off, nothing seems right anymore. I'm tired of the life I'm living and the one person who means so much to me, I feel like he's drifting away and he no longer feels the same. I'm scared. I feel alone but I'm not when I constantly have to listen to voices in my head telling me I'm a failure and I should just end it. For fuck's sake, I can't take it anymore.

Everything is my fault. I don't even trust myself, I don't know if I can trust the people around me. What if they leave me, find someone better? I can't even talk to anyone. I feel like if I let someone too close they'll crush my heart and leave me to fend for myself. I'm so scared and alone.

I love this him so much but I'm scared he doesn't care for me anymore or he's starting to realize I was a mistake. I can't even share this with him. I'm so fucked up in the head and I have no control of my emotions. I can't do this anymore. I'm sixteen, I've dealt with this for sixteen years and every fucking day it's gotten worse. I've burned myself, I've tried cutting. I've tried suffocating myself and constantly punching shit until my knuckles bleed.

I'm tired... And this feeling never goes away. I'm just a burden.

I want to trust the person closest to me. But a part of me is scared he'll leave and this won't last. I don't know what to believe anymore. I'm at the point where I can't even cry, I just stare blankly and think about how fucked up and sad I am.

I've been let down so many times in my life, I just can't do this anymore. I'm so used to be second best, and not at all helped. Everyone always thinking I'm okay. I'm scared. I want to scream. I don't even want to put in the effort to be happy or talk to people anymore. I hate myself so much, I don't understand why people try to be my friend or talk to me.

I'm so obnoxious and annoying. I hate talking to people because I feel like I'm just being a nuisance to them. I don't want to be left alone but I can't hang onto people either...

I'm like my own punching bag. I'm sorry.

I always do something wrong and constantly doubt myself and others. It's not like I want to, I just can't help but feel like I'm all alone. I'm so mean to myself and others and it's just to keep them from knowing the problems with me. I've tried to compliment myself and make myself like myself, but I just hate myself so much and it's tiring.

Why do I do this to myself? The doctor told me this is probably all genetics and I have to deal with this my entire life. I just don't know anymore.