All I Wanted

Diary Entry 2:

Dear Stranger,
I went to therapy again. Not by choice, but my Ms.Huts, my English teacher, saw my scars. To catch up those who don't know me...
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I'm giving you, Stranger, a trigger warning now. Because shit is about to get really fucked up. So, read at your own risk.

When I was 6 years old, I was best friends with my neighbors kid, we grew up together. And her step-grandfather molested me. After that, I never went over to her house again. Whenever she wanted to play, I stayed inside. I distanced myself. Fast forward to us being grown up. My family and I moved from that house to a better neighborhood. On my best friends 15th birthday, it was revealed that she too was molested and raped by her step-grandfather. I felt guilty for ever leaving her alone in that house with him. I shouldn't have left, and I shouldn't have left her alone—I should've continued to go over, even after what he did to me.

When I was 8 years old, I was almost kidnapped right in front of my school. The typical white van with an old man that has candy. I was walking with my friends after-school and after that man approached us, all of them ran back towards the school. I stayed in shock, talking to this man. He grabbed me forcibly by my arms and I started to scream. He let go and I ran to an adult who was already running with my friends. Let's just say, she was a total bad-ass and scared him off, calling the cops afterwards.

For a while, life was quiet. I was just existing. Then, the unthinkable happened.

I was 15 when I started dating my first boyfriend, who was 16. I met him at my high school and we were great friends before we started going out. I thought everything was amazing, you know—puppy love. But then it suddenly went downhill after one day. It was Friday, after-school, he invited me to his house, saying we could just play video games and chill before I have to go home and before his parents get home. I agreed, stupidly. We took the bus there and I was in an area I've never been to, that side of town was so unfamiliar to me that it was starting to get me scared. It was filled with all kinds of people, homeless and families all walking on a small sidewalk.
We played a little bit of video games but then he put on a movie, Scream 3. Two minutes into us cuddling and watching the movie, he started kissing me. I wanted to watch the movie and kept shrugging him off. He then unbuttoned my pants and asked if I wanted to. I admit, I said "sure". He left the room to get the condoms from the bathroom.
He came back, got on top of me, and I looked him in the eyes and said, "never mind, I don't want to anymore. I just want to watch the movie."

He gave me the coldest look I had ever seen on a person. It was like he was possessed or something. He forced himself inside of me, roughly, not breaking eye contact. I screamed because it hurt extremely bad, I think it's important to note that that was my first time—ever. He kept going and I kept telling him stop, to get off, that it hurt. And he kept pushing himself inside of me, not saying a word. It got to the point that there was no point of kicking, screaming or saying "stop". So I just laid there, i accepted what was happening and I accepted that he was stronger than me and there was nothing I could do but wait until it was over. I remember looking up at the ceiling, asking myself: "am I being raped right now?" And in my head I was having a battle—I said yes at first, so this isn't rape because I said yes at first.

I stupidly convinced myself that it was consensual. I stupidly convinced myself that everyone's first time goes like how mine went. And it only goes downhill from that incident.

But I will write about it tomorrow. Dad made my favorite, spaghetti. Plus, it's good that I don't reminisce all the bad stuff in one night, because then I'll just get an anxiety attack and I'll end up self-harming. So, buckle your seatbelts Stranger. You're in for one hell of a ride that I like to call, my life.

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Author here!
I just want to put this out there that sexual assault or self-harming isn't something to joke about nor should it be taken lightly! If you are a victim of sexual assault, I am deeply sorry if this was triggering, but my inbox is always opened if anyone needs to talk! If you self-harm, please know that people love you and you are needed in this world! Again, my inbox is always open for those who want to talk!

If you're in a relationship, that doesn't automatically give someone "consent". Please remember that consent can be taken away at any given time! You have the right to change your mind, you have the right to say no. Your sexual partner must respect that! I highly encourage reading about consent and the different kinds of rape, because there are many different kinds!
Thank you guys for reading!