Promiscuous Girl, wherever you are...

CHAPTER ONE.

"Being a sex symbol is a heavy load to carry, especially when one is tired, hurt, and bewildered."
- Marilyn Monroe

As I'm sitting on my couch my phone vibrates. My eyes roll to the back of my head. A simple "Hey". It's Sean. Sean is not my boyfriend. He's not my friend. We don't speak, we don't associate with each other. Nothing outside of sex. I don't know why but I tolerate it. I always find my back into his bed. I can't seem to say no. I'm weak. When am I going to be free? What would make me leave? These questions are something I cannot ever find. But hey, fair trade isn't robbery, right? Is it even a fair trade? Reluctantly I text him back knowing exactly what he wants. This cycle has gotten taxing on my mind, body and spirit. It's all I've ever known. Different bodies, same result. I decide to get in the shower and shave - all the things essential to have a someone over. This is the last time Kells. But is it? Probably not. There is a quick knock on the door I can faintly hear over the loud sound of the shower and my speaker. So lost in my thoughts I didn't realize how much time I spent in here. The shower is a place where I am trapped in with my thoughts and have no other option than to reflect. This reflection might be the death of me. The thorn in my side. It's sobering. I am not living. I am surviving. Ignoring my reality. Numbing my pain by any means necessary. Sometimes I wonder if all of this is worth it. I turn off the water and step out of the shower. The hot water has filled the room with a heavy mist that feels soft and warm. Feelings that I would long to feel inside. Laurie stands right by her door laughing with my other roommate. Her face lights up when she see's I'm done. "Girl, you took forever," She says this with a smile and a laugh but annoyed undertone. Things like these don't go unnoticed by me. I see everything. I feel everything. When he arrives I feel a deep sense sadness but also a twisted sense of excitement that I was desired. Those 2 feelings are constant when it comes to sex. I feel them both fully. The mind is a powerful thing. There is no foreplay. No kisses. Just sex. The moment he finishes the cold and dark feeling of emptiness returns even stronger than before. I lay awake analyzing what just happened and he simply rolls over and falls asleep. I worry for Sean even though I shouldn't. There is no reason why he should still be sleeping with me or have even slept with me in the first place. There has to be a deeper reason why he thinks it acceptable to do this. To do this with me. He is my escape. Am I his? maybe we both know this is going nowhere so we should do what we do. We have been doing this over the span of a year sporadically and I still haven't figured him out. Don't get me wrong, I am not in love with him by any means. I made sure of that. Kept the convos short and to the point - sex. But now, I want more. I live several different lives. Everyone who knows me knows me in a different capacity. With my thoughts torturing me, insomnia makes her nightly appearance. I pop a few pills and start cleaning my room while i wait for them to kick in. "You really wanna clean now?" He sucks his teeth and I ignore him. I no longer care about how he feels or how he views me. He thinks I'm OCD but really I want my things in order. At first it was for presentation purposes. Now it's because it makes me happy. Very few things make me happy. The apartment is quiet, my roommates seem to be sleeping. Sean is sleeping. but i am awake.

The first thing I hear when I wake up is the distinct sound of Laurie laughing in the next room. It seems like everyday she wakes me up. The pills always make me completely disoriented, I woke up about 4 times this last night in a different position. I can barely remember when Sean left sometime early this morning. I grab my phone off the floor. It's 2 pm. The time flew by. I didn't even notice. I lay back and stare at the ceiling. What am I going to do for the day?  I truly don't even know. The last day of the semester was yesterday. I probably should start packing or cleaning.