DEAR MY FUCKING DIARY

my mind

DEAR MY FUCKING DIARY

Do people not understand what it feels like to feel too broken, do they not know what it feels like to feel as though there's no point to life. That it would just be easier if u just end it all, fuck this school and my life. People at this school don't understand the teacher and don't understand what it feels like to have the thought that you're always under threat.

The unbearable feeling of not knowing what is happening to you, or the feeling of not being in your own body. Sometimes you just feel like a ghost floating in the world just in someone's body, just an empty body. Will they ever understand that when I say I'm tired it means I don't wanna talk I just need someone to be with me or maybe that I just need to be alone. When I say I want to be alone I mean that I'm not okay, it means that I'm having these thoughts again. The never-ending thought of just killing myself, I tell everyone that those thoughts went away but never go away they are always in the back of my mind telling me that life would be so much easier if I just ended it. When people say I just have to figure out how to live this, they don't know that I have tried so many times to just let this monster live with me and just pretend as though it was never there. I've tried nothing; I've lost hope in anything. I live my life with this monster, I've given up on fighting the monster. It has destroyed my life. There are certain times when I feel happy but then it all comes crashing down. You start to rely on that person that makes you happy or that person that makes you feel safe like you don't have anything wrong with you. When you're with that person it feels as though you can't live without or that if they leave your life would be worthless yet again. Separation anxiety is nothing worse than fearing being away from someone not knowing what thoughts will come into your mind when you're alone or when you don't feel safe. The thought of just escaping the world to get away from this pain of the world. People say suicide is selfish and people who commit suicide are pussies but the people that say are the people drive the Suicidal to end it all. The people think that saying that stuff is okay but maybe they should think to themselves that the words they think actually affect people. Words can scar people it can sometimes drive people to death it drives people to the end because they think that there isn't another way out the only way they see out is by killing themselves. So I think to myself if that's how other people deal with their pain why can't people understand that's how I deal with my pain. I have gone through so much that sometimes the only they way out of to just to fucking kill myself. I always think if I did kill my self who would actually care, the only person I could think of is tara and my family and that's it. People at school would just carry on with their lives without even blinking without even thinking that all the things they said behind my back all the things they said to my face is the thing that drove me to my end. I didn't choose to have anxiety or depression. I sometimes think to myself You chose me, why did you have to choose? It's my mind making me feel like someone is dragging me down to the bottom of a black oasis

The thought that something bad is going to happen

Or the thought of showing people how I really feel

Not just the smiley happy girl that goes around school But the girl that just puts on that mask so people don't see why she is covered in panic and anxiety

How she barely can get out of bed in the morning

How she can barely keep her life together

The girl that has hurt herself just because she doesn't want to think the thoughts she had

When you chose me did you want to fuck up my entire life? I don't know what if feels like to be truly happy anymore, just because you decided to fucking choose me. When you chose me did you just think it was your choice it brings panic to the party too? Or did you just think to yourself, "let's see who can fuck up NAME the most?" If you did, all of you are doing a pretty good job. You are the reason I think of taking my own life every day, you are the reason I want to lock myself in my room in the dark not letting anyone come near me. Just thinking about the most stupid things in the world sends me into a panic. It's crazy how just one boy can change your entire life. One day their light of your life and the next they smash you into a thousand-piece