The Stalking Illusion

Have you ever been terrified of your thoughts? Afraid that you will drown in them, sinking so far that you start to suffocate. Whose fault is it, yours? Mine? Or someone else's? It doesn't matter now because I have decided to put an end to this.

My Name is Jong Yong. It means Courage but it is quite the contrast to my personality. In reality, I am very insecure and tend to run away from everything. I blame it all on my Korean ancestry as I had been raised to be perfect, but something in the back of my mind tells me, that there will always be someone better than me. My job doesn't make it better because when one is a model, he is criticized for every aspect of his life, and his person. I searched for someone who would support me in my meaningless life. And at the age of 21, I thought that I had found the right person. Greg Summers is his name. He was 28 at the time we met. I had seen him at a celebrity meet in Canada which was his home hometown. He had just become a candidate for the astronaut corps, and he was quite charming. He treated me with respect and something about him made me feel special.

Two years later we decided that it was time to tie the knot. I settled with him in Canada. It started out wonderfully as most marriages do. We were in the honeymoon stage for at least a year. These happy moments soon came to an end when he had to go to Japan for a space mission. It was around this time that everything started to go downhill in my life. My husband slowly started to become distant from me. He would never reply to any letter I sent to him. At first, I thought that it was normal for a man of his profession to not reply as he was probably busy. But this behavior didn't cease. And It got worse when one Tuesday morning I received a letter from an unknown sender.

The letter stated that the sender knew all about me and all my deepest fears. They told me how I was not good for my husband and how he doesn't love me anymore. They also attached a few pictures showing him with another man who was also part of the space mission. It shook me to the core. I tried to brush it off, thinking it was a prank to make me feel more insecure and doubt my husband. I went by the next few days ignoring the letter and its contents. I made myself busier than ever to prevent the dark thoughts that were forming in my mind.

One evening I had just finished a photoshoot and I was famished, so I decided to go to a nearby cafe. On entering the cafe, I placed my order. I sat at a table in the corner of the shop and I waited for my order to be served. Through the corner of my eye, I saw two elderly ladies gossiping on hearing my name I strained my ears. Then I heard it "Poor Jong, did you know that Greg Summers is planning to break off their wedding". Hearing that I rushed out of the cafe, not even bothering to take the coffee that was payed for. Running back home not even taking a moment to stop and catch my breath. I reached the house and unlocked the door with shaky hands and just plopped myself on the floor, trying to catch my breath. The thought of Greg leaving had me hyperventilating. My mind went back to the letter and everything written in it. It was too much of a coincidence.

The next day was a Tuesday and just like the week before there was a letter in the mailbox. My heart started pounding in my chest. Picking up the letter I began reading it, even though my mind told me to ignore it. Tears ran down my face as words that hurt me drew before my eyes leaving scars in my mind. The room suddenly became stuffy. I decided to take a walk and clear my head. As I walked down the street, I saw one of the ladies that were in the cafe the other day. I started to walk away but just like the last time she was gossiping about me and my life. I left the place and went home. And like this, a month passed with the letters arriving every Tuesday and the old lady following me around. I was afraid of the beginning of a scandal. When I had enough, I decided to leave and settle in another country, far away from the hell I lived in. The modeling agency I worked for had a branch there also, so there were no complications. I got a moving company to pack all my things, to ship them off to me. As I stood in an empty house, I wondered if there was a way this could have been prevented. I decided to stop thinking about such things. I started to hope that moving to there would help me start over again.

As I looked outside from the window of the plane, I was filled with hope. The next Tuesday rolled in and I was pleased to find no letter in the mailbox. But my joy was short lived when a familiar envelope was found at my doorstep. Picking it up and I read the contents to find out if it was from the same anonymous writer. And to my horror it was. One particular line had me mortified. "Wherever you go, whatever you do, I will always be watching you". I didn't feel safe at home, so I decided to go to a public park. As I walked down the footpath, I felt a lot of eyes on me. I ignored them thinking it was just a fragment of my imagination. After walking for a while I sat down on a nearby bench. I closed my eyes for a while and then suddenly I felt a presence and I heard a familiar voice. "Running away is not going to help you". I opened my eyes and I saw the old lady. I walked up to her and with the courage, I could gather and I asked her "Who are you and why do you keep following me? Are you the one who writes the letters? What do you want from me? " She didn't say a word. She didn't even look my way. Just then a man walked up to me and asked "who are you talking to? There's no one there? " I was confused "I'm talking to this lady." I replied." There's no one here. Are you crazy?" I looked at him and was just about to say that she was right there but just when I turned around I realized she was not there anymore. I could have sworn that she was there a minute ago. I had enough, people around me started whispering to one another. I ran away from the park and went home. People think I'm crazy. It's going to spread around. What If am actually losing my mind? What will I do if my company fires me because they think I'm crazy? I can't face the humiliation. I want this to stop. I want to put an end to this. Thoughts ran through my head in the speed of light. Some telling me to live on and face the world but most of them told me to take the easy way out. I was all alone in the world, I don't have anyone to support me. Not even my husband whom I have not heard from for months. There was no use in continuing my life like this. The fact that the old lady was just an illusion, a trick of my mind scared me the most. If I lived on it would haunt me forever.

So with these thoughts in my mind, I picked up a pen and I decided that for the first and the last time I was going to write a letter to my anonymous sender.

"Have you ever been terrified of your thoughts?..................I have decided to put an end to this."

To my anonymous sender

And with that, I took some sleeping pills and put it in my mouth and swallowed them. And I went into a never ending sleep.

The anonymous sender smiled down at Jong Yong's lifeless body while reading the letter.