Confessions Of A High School Dropout

 *Id like everyone to know that this is all true. Its a summery of these past few years and if everyone likes it i'll probably post random chapters of different parts in depth. The purpose of this is only to get everything off my chest and let anyone who reads this with similar stories to feel there not alone.*

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  I dropped out of high school. And though i have yet to see how it effects me in the long run, i don't believe Ive done myself any injustice. Id like to say it was the best decision of my life but really it was just a needed one. The truth is its lonely. Maybe that will change once spring hits but it being winter and having it always snowing or raining ice cold water, I'm fairly secluded.  I want to say I'm studying for my GED, but in truth i have no motivation despite how worried i am about it. I have however set up a personal deadline, to have the tests taken and passed by the end of January 2013. One month and a half exactly starting today. Without my GED i have no job and don't even know where to look once i get it. I'm too young to work anywhere that serves alcohol, and have had past experiences with fast food leading to my refusal to go back. I can however, once i obtain my GED attend a community collage and then from there transfer to a university. Id be taking collage courses before my peers even graduated. I'm not sure that's the route I'm going to take but its a safety net in case everything else falls through.

 While i was still in school i was the good kid, always doing what everyone said and following them blindly. I was trying my best not to get in trouble wanting to impress my parents. Until of course life gave me a few swift kicks in gut and screamed at me to get over it and stop crying. I started rebelling, lost and not knowing who i was i began dressing darker, Smoking, and drinking. I didn't do it much cause i was still trying to be my parents little angel, but that hope quickly vanished. My grades started slipping although they had always been bad. I blamed it on everyone and thing i could till i finally admitted i just didn't care. I had no friends cause i was "weird" and even the outcasts found me bothersome. I was bullied relentlessly and the only friends i had were my sisters who soon adopted me after she moved away. They were high school graduates who bought me smokes and alcohol, letting me crash at there place where i grew up even faster and learned a lot. 

 Surprisingly in just one short year, still being 4 years younger then them, i outgrew them. I took drugs they hadnt evan heard of and did things they hadnt evan fathomed trying. Compared to me they were innocent.

 I finally decided to leave my preppy, plastic school and transfer to one in the poorer more urban town next to us, where diversity and poverty were plentiful. My mom was completely supportive and after convincing my dad id leave "toxic" friends behind and get better grades he accepted. My dad and step mom were clueless about the drugs and there missing pharmaceuticals which i had  begun living off of. My mom knew but lived in denial. I played anything and everything found in my room as my friends and begged her not to tell. Knowing i was lying but not wanting to accept it, she agreed. 

 Arriving at my new school i soon became convinced it had been my worst idea yet.  The people i wanted to hang with didn't know i existed and those who wanted to hang with me i hated. A bad habit i have of always wanting what id never obtain. I was still awkward and alone. Drugs were everywhere though and i started slowly letting go of the fear of getting caught, popping pills before every class.

 That summer was the summer id be transitioning to 11th grade. I wanted to drop out desperately but my dad refused, And just as he refused to let me leave, i refused to drop the subject. I reminded him i could always drop out a few months before i graduated cause id be 18 then, and that going now was just a waste of time.  During my vacation  i reconnected with friends from my old school, through them i became close to a girl who seemed to know everyone. I met the guy id lose my virginity to through her, and after 2 hours of knowing him i lied to my mom, slinked out and went to a party at his friends place where i got completely trashed. I stayed the night at his place and lost my v-card. I then ignored him after he confessed that he was in love with me several weeks later without a word even spoken between us. Something happened that night though because the last cares i had left dove completely out the window.

 When i went back to school i stopped doing my work completely, failing almost every class. I came to school high or completely wasted, i skipped class (surprisingly never getting caught). I spent my lunch break with the two most troubled people i knew. We'd sneak off campus, past the security guards, and into this garden in the neighborhood next to us to smoke or go get high. The drugs messed with my memory so even when i was sober i was too spacey or forgetful that it didn't even matter.  I tried anything put in front of me, even 20 benadryl i washed down in a walmart parking lot. I tripped for hours and ended up passing out at a commune my friend was living in. 

 Finally realizing i wouldn't be able to graduate my dad allowed me to drop out. Since then he has lectured me about how now that I'm out of school and spliff has been legalized that he doesn't want me falling under the lure of drugs, still utterly clueless. Now that I've dropped out though my drug use has decreased drastically and truthfully I'm very lonely compared to this last year. I have no where to go and no one to see. Its better then the constant nagging of my teachers and the feeling of failure they always seared into my skin. I feel now though like a bum. Not making any money or doing anything worthwhile.

  When i dropped out i had no idea what i wanted to do. Now i think i might go into photography, learning, and creating a portfolio. Im working on getting my GED, and learners permit. I cant say I'm off drugs completely but i can say I'm not on them nearly as much. When summer rolls around ill probably be just as bad as i was, but who knows what will become of me in these next few months. I do know though that dropping out did not hinder me in the slightest, in the long run and that it probably saved me and opened more doors for me then if i would have stayed.