life after

my blocking

 I was very excited when Wattpad and HONOR asked me to share my own quarantine story and what I look forward to in the future. It is literally dizzy to butterflies in the stomach! HONOR gave me an incredible new smartphone, HONOR 10X Lite, on which I can write my story and share with you. The large display and e-book mode are perfect for reading Wattpad stories late into the night, and the ultra-long battery life means I can read and write on my phone all day - anytime, anywhere. What is very important, because muse and inspiration are completely fickle companions of life, and can overtake anywhere. I hope you enjoy my story!

I am very glad that your beautiful eyes will run over this story! Thanks to the collaboration between Wattpad and HONOR, this story has found strength for life, please treat this with understanding. Happy reading❤

If you liked my story, you can check out other HONOR Emerging Writer stories at @ImproveYourWritingProfile on Wattpad.

I had to come into this world in two thousand and three, in the third month of the year. My desire to live interrupted this plan, and I appeared a whole month earlier than announced. But, I did not dare to start living a full life for another six hours, weighing all the facts. When my lungs took their first breath, the voice erupted into a scream that drowned out the office. My hasty decision resulted in separation. I was not allowed to bask in the warm hands of my mother, but was sent to other strange rooms, with strangers, and in the end, completely closed in an incubator, one. Lying there discomfort, and discontent broke through the thick glass. They don't understand anything, I have a desire, strength, I can be a normal child! I wanted to sit next to a loved one, get to know the world, get to know people, but I sat in this cell. Every hour turned into days, short meetings with people were lost in the course of time, my cry was the strongest of all, and desire cracked the walls. The people around me were so strange, I didn't want to waste time on them, but my stay in the incubator continued, and my impulses slowly fell asleep.

I clearly remember the moment when I discussed with friends an unknown disease and how we discussed it with the words "it won't reach us!". After all, we are protected by our own boundaries of consciousness, living in a small city, where there may be no light for several days, where strong winds, frosts prevail, where huge fields divide the land with thickets of forests, and where nature will still prevail. We were safe, even from ourselves! But the months followed each other, and the world plunged more and more into a gloomy atmosphere. Closing their houses, covering themselves headlong into the world of the Internet, many began to lose themselves in the stories of other people, wonderful strangers of the common network, who could accidentally blurt out a strange thing and receive waves of negativity. We all ended up in the ocean, without extreme, blazing waves, hurricanes, and insane force. But ... Everyone got tired too quickly. At this time, support is important, but how to show it when your own thoughts are mired in dark tar? This viscous substance settled in the minds of millions, forcing them to take out their anger at each other. And honestly, I don't even know if this time is over! In fact, I don't think it's just that everyone is mired in the need to earn money, and at least a little to please their relatives on the holidays.

It was too much time to be alone during this quarantine. Too much. It would be strange to say it, but I am a person who follows emotions, not reason. And sitting in a house full of people who do not reckon with "personal space" that are always charged with loud notes, and always full of vitamin D. It seemed like a challenge! And when everyone around you feels different emotions, you begin to delve into yourself. And I think I dug through my entire graveyard of memories! She blamed herself for unnecessary things, reproached herself for her essence, for her sharp tongue, spoke, and tried to erase the sarcasm scrawled on the walls of the house! I found peace in the silence of the night, among the cold, the howling of animals, the hurricane wind, and the slowly fading stars. I tried to create myself anew, such that people want to see, but this thin ice broke on the very first stone in our ocean.

Sitting in an empty room, displaying my dreams in the air, drawing a wonderful future on a foggy window, I immediately understood that it would not go according to plan. Over the entire period, alone with myself, my thoughts, and the analysis of desires, I became a broken watch. Simple rubbish that runs back and forth in search of their place, or the moment when they are set on the right path. The more I rushed, the more I fell into the world of dreams. Each night was filled with colors! Stories were built from immature blobs, they seemed to me so wonderful that I could not help but share with them. It was this chaos created by my consciousness that gave me strength and sent the waves into a warm current.

The days were filled with swings, mood swings, misunderstandings, self-discovery, and cyclical beginnings. It was like I was in groundhog day - every twenty-four hours were filled with events that dared to repeat themselves in a cycle. In the phase where my body was producing serotonin, I was able to find things to keep me going. Words, slowly dancing a three-quarter waltz, loud instruments, help to live another day. Writing small poems, or rather small stories of the world where I can be the main one, has become my salvation, and many new musical groups are filling my veins with life, making my heart beat to the rhythm of their songs. I'm so used to lying to other people that I don't know who I will be in the future, because I didn't want to listen to their comforting monologues and statements that I would need to look for a job elsewhere in order to survive, or get a lot of education in another field. It's like I'm them, and I'll make the same mistakes, saying the same words, and burning my life in the same way. I was so scared to say my dreams out loud to other people, as if with every sound the threads were breaking, and I was losing my dream in the abyss. I believed in my lie, that now I am literally going blind to my dream, profession, and, in principle, to my future. This lie turned my head cool, and now I can only hope for my own feelings so as not to crash on the reefs in the dark.

I buried the desire to know the world among the cobwebs of memory. But, the closer my eighteenth life span, the more I want to wake up, dig up those lost moments by hand! It's like, after almost two centuries, the error checking is complete, and I'm ready to make new ones. The accumulated forces move all butterflies to scatter from the belly, and now, they already touch my ribs with their wings, moving closer to the mind. This overtaken interest makes you go to the crazy modern world! I'm so excited! It's like I'm driving a car, on a fast lane, flying warning signs, with butterflies in my stomach, and one idea in my head. It's so scary and weird. Entering adulthood, not knowing if at least something will turn out, or in the first hole my car will fall apart into many parts, and I will not be able to assemble it ...

Oh, I don't want to get hung up on this! A character trait that I cannot stand in myself is the habit of dreaming, or rather, living this dream. The wildest thing is when this dream turns into a goal, an idea, you blindly walk along the hot sand, and you don't know what will happen next. Perhaps this is how I would describe my upcoming year. I am in anticipation, and no matter what events it will be filled with, my ideas are too big and too strong, I have no right not to realize them. At least, I sincerely believe that applying all my life juices, my voice will be able to break out the darkness, my fingers, plucking the strings, will turn sounds into magic that unites people. And the mind will present new stories that will live among the letters, on snow-white paper. My thoughts have become soaked in sweet syrup, it turns everything into a fairy tale. I hope it will saturate not only my coming year, but also every person on earth.

link: Insta: https://instagram.com/honorrus?igshid=vcbzoxrgj81l
         FB: https://www.facebook.com/HonorRu/