Now when you read the title you probably think that i'm gonna be giving you some wonderful life lesson.
I'm not. I'm really not. I'm actually here because I thought you should know how i've escaped death. Now I don't mean some stupid diet, running daily, swimming and all that crap. Because it's not. Seriously your just digging your own grave doing that.
Now you may be wondering what i'm talking about. It's simple. I don't die. Well actually that's wrong. I do die. But I wake up the morning that I die on. The events of the day restarted. Now you may be wondering how I came by this amazing discovery. Was I a soldier in a far off land who caught a bullet? Nope. Did I nobly sacrifice myself by throwing myself in front of a bus to save someone? Nope. Was I driving too fast and crashed my car, not wearing a seat belt, and got thrown out the window to split my head open on a rock? Have done that recently but wasn't how I died initially. Was I crushed against a wall by an out of control fire truck? Happened earlier actually. But no. The way I found out about this....gift I suppose you could call it that. Is I tried to kill myself. Quite ironic really. Went to kill myself and found that I couldn't die. At least not permanently
So you may be wondering why I wanted to kill myself. And it's quite simple really. I loved someone. And in return for my love she broke me. And you may be wondering how. She left me for so long. She cut all communication. I heard nothing from her for months. Then finally she talks to me again. Just one little sentence. She tells me that she never wants to see me again. That if I even speak to her she'll call the police. And so I found myself standing 20 stories up. Looking down at the ground far below.
And then I took that one final step, the one that sent me flying towards the ground. I hit the ground. And I felt so much pain, intense pain. The pain of every bone in my body shattering simultaneously. The pain of my organs liquefying. I felt something leaking from my head, or what was left of it. And I couldn't tell you, even now, if it was blood, brain, or my head itself. Or maybe it was all three combined. Who knows? I certainly don't. Anyway after those five seconds past I woke up again in my own bed. I thought it was all a dream. A pretty strange dream sure. But a dream all the same. And so an hour later I was at the exact same spot and taking the exact same step.
I'd like to say I figured it out quickly.
I didn't. I threw myself from that building five more times before realizing something was up. But instead of giving up I slit my wrists, three times. And when that, inevitably, failed to give me a permanent death I stabbed myself in the heart. Again that failed. And so the last thing I tried was shooting myself. Obviously didn't work.
When I, finally, realized that I couldn't die I started experimenting. Seeing if there was a limit. I tried a lot of really fun methods of killing myself. Dropping a burning match into a fuel tank, shooting Trump right in front of everyone. And let me tell you that one was fun! Though it wasn't as fun getting shot by about twenty secret service members. Like come on guys!. One bullet is enough! Not twenty of you all unloading entire clips into me!
And I bet you didn't know it really hurts to have a chainsaw cut you in half! Actually on second thought you probably did know that. That's pretty obvious actually....But I can tell you from experience it really hurts!
Another benefit of this is no matter what I do, even if it's like say....overloading a nuclear reactor and causing it to explode and wipe out a large section of a city, As long as I die before the day is done. All I did is undone.
Now that does have some downsides to it. Like say I do something that gets me a lot of money or I make something I'm really proud of and then slip and fall off the top of a hundred story building. All that is gone. I have to do it all again. It's like my life is one big reset button. It can get annoying, really really annoying.
Another bad side of this is it makes the beast harder to contain.
Now you may be wondering who the beast is. The beast is a side to me. A voice in the back of my head. He's always telling me to kill. To spill blood. Like seriously. I can be just walking down the road and a sweet innocent little old lady smiles at me. Suddenly all I can think about is stabbing her in the throat or the stomach to watch her bleed. And if i'm not careful then the beast breaks out and suddenly there is a dead little old lady laying in front of me. And sometimes I can go out of control completely and kill everyone in sight. That's always fun. I remember the most fun I had was when I got an axe and slaughtered so many people. The blood was flowing that day.
Now you may have some questions. Like if I die of old age or natural causes will I just spend the rest eternity reliving my death.
I don't know. I mean it's a good question. But I don't know. I may just not die at all. Or I may just...die. Like any normal person. It's a mystery, and not one I want to solve.
Anyway. Recently i've been seeing someone. Like the other day i'd just stabbed a random kid through the throat and saw this really pale guy standing near me. Looking at us. And I mean really pale. Like...dead pale. He was wearing a black suit with a red shirt and cuff-links. And yesterday I saw him. Five seconds later i'm eating a fire truck. It's creepy. But no one else seems to see him either. And whenever I look at him I feel...cold....And like something is pulling at me....pulling me towards him
So....I saw him again today....He was always at the end of the street. And everyone was walking around him but no one was looking at him. And he was looking straight at me...It was like he was looking into my soul....And for some reason....I really don't want to meet him.
So...Y'know how I said I saw that guy earlier. Yeah five minutes later some guy shot me dead. He was trying to rob me and I think the gun just went off in his hand. But yeah. I got shot. And as I was laying there bleeding I saw him getting closer. As as I lay there, I swear, I could hear....whispering. It was...almost in my mind. And let me tell you. That has to be the first time i'm glad to bleed to death. I was just hoping i'd bleed to death before he reached me. Luckily I did
Well i'm more fucked then a turkey on Christmas day. That guy I told you about? Yeah he's the devil, not joking. And he's pissed at me. Apparently i'm meant to be dead. Very dead. But i'm not. So that's an issue. So now he's here to claim my soul. When he said that my response was good luck I don't have a soul.....I regretted that one instantly....Have you ever felt it when someone is looking at you? It's like their eyes are burning into you? Yeah well his literally burnt into me. I got real crispy real fast. And that didn't even kill me! Not quickly anyway. Before I died he crouched right in front of me and said that I had a soul....and that he'd be collecting it real soon.
Yeah....this might be the last time I speak to you....He's getting close...I can feel it...I....I'm climbing up the stairs to the top of the building...but i'm not in control of my own body...And i'm scared....I don't want to die....I...I didn't ask for this....He's waiting at the top for me...I can feel it...This...this might be goodbye...I...I guess you can't escape death.....I.....guess everything catches up with you in the end.....And....I....I guess I was stupid to think I could be different....
Well...I died. And now i'm in hell...But...It seems...I've become Death. Got a nice suit. And a scythe. And I don't hear the beast anymore. And I can do whatever I want as long as I collect the souls of the dead. So....Guess I didn't have to fear the devil....Or well I kinda did. Because he killed me. But he fired the last Death and appointed me in his place. So I guess that's a win for me
