The time of my life

Is this the end of the road?

I haven't written here since I was 17 and in my senior year of high school. I'm currently 21, working full time as a Child and Youth Program Assistant for the Navy, still in Japan. Time has flown by, but it feels like just yesterday I was sitting in my grandmother's living room, watching the news early in the morning with her and my grandfather, sipping on a nice, warm cup coffee that my grandmother got up and made for me.

With time, the wound has gotten easier to manage, though I often think of her. I can go about my life now and reminisce on fond memories of her and being able to keep a smile on my face. It doesn't hurt as much as each year passes and we continue to live and remember her for what she was and how she was. She was an amazing woman, a devoted mother, a faithful wife, and a doting grandmother. 

Though it seems that my wounds have all but just healed, I still have this looming sense of regret, and I'm scared that I might have to face it again. Regret for not being there when it matters, regret for not being there in the final moments, regret for not being able to say goodbye. Now that my grandmother is gone, all I have left is my grandfather, and I'm terrified I won't be able to make it back home in time. With covid-19 and travel bans and whatever, I don't think I'd be able to even make it back stateside without me either being denied entry to come back into Japan when I try to return back to my life here, or I'll end up on leave without pay from work for a whole month.

I want to have the courage to make these bold decisions on my own - I want to be able to tell myself that I'm going to do this, that I'm going to take the time to finally go home and be with my family while we still have my grandfather to tie us together, but I'm honestly terrified. I'm terrified that, if I go, he's finally going to give in and I'm going to lose my absolutely amazing grandfather, and my family will lose it's glue. I'm scared that, if and when he passes, my family will just fall apart. 

But, I guess that's something that just happens in life. It's been a long time coming, and half of that glue that kept us together has already left us, on February 15th, 2017. We're bound to fall apart any second, but as I'm writing this, I realize that the most important thing to me is that I'm able to be there now where I couldn't in the past. It's my duty as a grandchild and as a member of the family to be there and to show my grandfather all the love and affection I can muster to make his last leg be the best that it can be.

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Grandma, please watch over him. Watch over Papa and make sure that he gets back to you safely when the time comes. I know y'all used to bicker like mad, but y'all still loved each other deeply. I know he wants to see you again, just like I do. 

Until he can be with you again, I'm going to do whatever I can to make him comfortable, make him know that he is loved, not just by me, but by everyone in the family.

I know, I talked a lot about Papa instead of you this time, but I know you'll understand. You know he's my last grandparent alive, and you know that him and I share very fond memories of you. 

I'm going to see Papa one last time. I love him, and I love you Grandma.

Papa will see you again soon, and I will see you again in the future.

Love, your granddaughter,  
Sage Bentley