My Problems

Friends pt.2

TW: self-harm

looks like we are back

so recently, my friend, Marie, told me she was genderfluid
and she had a boyfriend

I'm happy for her, but i maybe, just maybe, have a small crush on her

just a small one

*sighs*

so
yea

i feel like we are drifting apart again

she has 7 new friends, who all have something in common with her, meanwhile we have nothing in common with eachother.

its just-

i dunno *looks at tea sadly*

I like things like bad timing, Lore Olympus, vines.

meanwhile she likes creepypasta, anime, and gods know what else.

we never talk, rarely see eachother, and when we do, our time gets cut short, like today, my aunt is coming from Houston for her birthday week, cause we won't see her on her birthday, and Marie just happened to be in my neighborhood when  we were about to go see my aunt.

and my sister always ruins the time we have.

She will come out of no where (im too tired to spell) and attempt to crush her, even tho we are 14 and she is 9.

I just want times to be simpler again.

I just want it to be 4th grade again, when me and my friends were closer, when we would actually hang out.

I feel like we all have changed so much.

Rose, the smart one, she's.... a bit more.. I dunno how to explain it.
she is just more serious, and when I tried to mention a joke from last year (technically 2 years cause its 2021, yippee) she just looked at me weirdly and said she had to go.

I haven't spoken or seen amber in a really long time.

Marie....
She is so much different....
She is much darker, all humor is pretty much gone, she's is much more social (which is good, ig)

and me?

me....
I think I have changed much more then anyone has realized.
I'm not the innocent girl my parents think I am, and I'm not the dirty minded, insane person my friends knew me as.

I'm just someone who is trying to figure out who she is, is lost in the past, and sometimes just wants to curl in a ball and be alone.

just someone who wants to go back, fix all the mistakes she made, and relive the past.

I was rereading some of my old books, ones I unpublished bc it was crap, and realized that I missed those times.

I reread my friends, and realized I forgot some stuff.

I still haven't talked to Hailey, and Rose did get us to meet up, but we just sat there awkwardly.

Elizabeth is now the most popular girl in my grade, and maybe school. She has popular friends, and doesn't bother with me besides inviting me to pumpkin carving with Ryan and two of her popular friends.

Ryan? still has those annoying ass friends, and I only talk to him if I need to know about a assignment, and I may still be a little salty about him ditching me back in 2nd grade. just a little.

I honestly am so fucking confused these days.

most of the time I feel like the world is against me.

I dont remember the last time I had a weekend off, all my free time is consumed by school and 'family time', Discord is slowly taking over my life, I get into way too much drama, and a few days ago, I apparently freaked out over doing homework, and almost tore my hair and hoodie sleeves out.

You see, I legit have the attention span of a uncooked potato, and can't concentrate during school, which I find stupid, Cause I can FOCUS PERFECTLY FINE WHEN I'M PLAYING BED WARS.

it's just dumb.

I have so many problems rn.

just....
help me pls.

EDIT: for some context on the 'freaking out about homework' part, I worked my ass off trying to get all my shit done for school, only for my parents dump more on me, and I guess I just lost it.
my parents got so worried about me lately they asked me if I wanted so see someone about it, but that means expressing feelings and talking, which I don't do.

anyways, that's it for now, hope u guys are doing better than me.

bye

kid_of_Neptune