A Beautiful Instrument

54: Whole, Complete, Unbreakable

This is the longest stretch of time I have gone without playing my instrument in probably eight to ten years. It's one week post-incident. The doctor said things appear to be on the mend, but I make a follow-up appointment for after Thanksgiving for full evaluation.

Derek understands and still wants me in practice. He and Bart feel confident I can easily slip back in once I'm ready. I am a bit nervous just because it's my left hand, the hand I use to place the notes along the neck. Range of motion in my fingers is essential.

Jeremy says I may need some physical therapy and shouldn't try to rush so I don't do permanent damage. I'm depressed and all I want to do is play.

"Come here, love. I know what you want." Jeremy tries to coax me over.

"I'm not in the mood to mess around. Sorry." I grumble.

"Leigh, I'm not talking about sex for once." Jeremy comments.

I poke my head into the rehearsal room and he is set up with a stool in front of his chair. He pats it, signaling for me to sit. I do.

"I appreciate what you're doing but..."

"Just give it a try. You may be surprised that it makes you feel better." He tries to convince me. I sigh and sit upright. Jeremy scoots right against me, hands me the bow and places his grandfather's cello right in front of me.
"Tell me what you want to play, beautiful."

"Faure's Elegie."

Jeremy kisses my shoulder. "You always go there when you're feeling vulnerable."

"It gives me strength." I reply.

"Ready?"

It's a little awkward at first, but then like most times we play together, we connect. We anticipate one another and he even adds in the vibrato in the exact places I would want it. As always, the song makes me emotional, but playing it like this really amplifies things.

When we finish, I turn in Jeremy's arms and cling to his neck. He whispers. "I wish I could take the pain of your father's death away from you."

"And I wish I could take away yours, but instead we can just be here for one another when we need. We are who we are in part because of the pain." I rationalize.

"Wise and beautiful? That's a damn fine combination there, Miss Taylor." He kisses me softly.

We spend the afternoon playing different songs before we find ourselves playing Christmas tunes. It's a little early, but practice will be starting next week and we're about to be engulfed by the holiday season as it were.

"I know we are not even at Thanksgiving yet, but any thoughts on how you want to spend Christmas?" Jeremy asks.

"With you. Snuggled up under the tree." I state simply. I really don't need anything elaborate.

"Big question? Real or artificial?"

"Oh, um. Alexis and I always used a fake one." I admit, not really seeing the issue.

"Leigh, I'm not sure we can go on like this." His tone is playful. He obviously wants a real tree.

"BUT, you didn't let me finish. I have always preferred real trees." I concede.

"Oh thank goodness. I thought we were goners for sure." I shove him playfully. He gets up and puts the instrument away, suddenly serious. "The only thing we do that cannot change is we go visit my sister's grave and place a white wreath."

"I go to my Dad's. My mom used to go with me, but..." And somehow we're back to melancholy.

Jeremy brings me into the comfort of his chest. "We do this heavy stuff together now, Leigh. I promise you'll never have to go alone again unless that's what you want."