Lingers On | TAEJIN✅

10. Therapy

"Sometimes I think it's my fault, and sometimes I blame him for everything. It's like I'm going crazy."

"Do you think he is running away from you? Are you afraid that the next time you're going to see him, it will be over?" She asked with concern but only a hollow laugh escaped my mouth.

He has been running away from me ever since he first slept with me. Maybe it's his guilt or the fact that I wear my heart on sleeves... that landed me here. 

When he hums in response to everything I say without eye contact, I can see that he is trying hard to avoid me and my feelings. He was expecting me to be his fuck toy but my emotions always get the best of me.

Maybe he didn't like his fuck toys caring about him like I was doing after we slept together. Maybe it was me forcing him to watch movies or the cringe heart-shaped omelet that I made him for breakfast or maybe it's all of me.

I expected too much from him. 

"Maybe, yeah."

"Jin, you told me that you were bullied as a kid, based on your relationship with your family, friends, and a few tests that we did last week. I can see your PTSD is really affecting your adulthood and relationships. You have developed anxiety and fear of abandonment."

"Bullying? B-but that was years ago... how?"

"Relax." She handed me a glass of water. "Your self-esteem issues stem from those bad words and remarks that you don't even remember. Trust me Jin, it's more common than you think."

"Again?"

"No. Not this time, but this is also not good. You let yourself get hurt by the people you want to keep by your side, which shows you are unable to let go of things that are severely harmful to you."

"I'm just giving him time. Maybe... just maybe one day he will see me."

Suddenly her warm hands covered my cold ones. "I know. But your anxiety is making things worse for your health. I've seen you growing up, I may not be a mother but you've always been like a child to me. So please, trust me. Will you?"

"I don't want to fall apart. P-please, fix me."

"Just believe in yourself jin, and we will be able to do it."

Therapy has become exhausting. Spending time apart from taehyung had made me realize a lot of things. I'm reflecting on the last year of my life that I spent worrying about him, his heart, and the time I devoted to loving him. 

Sadly I don't regret loving him. You can't control your feelings, right?

I wish I had loved myself more. Instead of being a doormat for people, I wish I had the guts to cut them out of my life.

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Love to all of the readers ❤ 

How was the new year for you? I cooked a lot of delicious food for my family. Hope you all are doing alright. ☺