Unforgettable

Completely Herself

Cullen closed his eyes, feeling the rays of the late afternoon sun on his face, their warmth a pleasant contrast to the chilly breeze that always played around the battlements. He felt at peace, back at Skyhold, back at work, where he belonged, the reins of the army firmly in his fingers—and those fingers not trembling from lack of lyrium ... or, at least, not most of the time.

He was winning through, he felt, fighting the cravings and enduring the pain and making something of himself. Perhaps he could even face writing his family now, now that he had a reason for them to feel pride in him. Before, all he could think of were his failures at Kinloch and Kirkwall—what was to tell? They didn't want to know how he had wept at the feet of the demons, how he had assisted the Knight Commander in everything she had done. But now—this they could know about.

He opened his eyes again, looking out across the mountains. There was a shadow next to him, a small shadow, barely seen above the top of the wall, and he looked down and smiled at Dagna, not even surprised that she should be there. "I'm glad you came."

"I was worried about you." Her eyes studied his face, and something in them relaxed at what she saw. "I see I needn't have been. All you needed was work. I understand what that's like."

"Work, yes," Cullen acknowledged, "but also ... you. I wanted to thank you for ... when you came to me in the chapel ... what you did for me ... I would never have thought ..." He stopped, rubbing the back of his neck uncomfortably. He had always been able to talk to her before, but knowing how she felt, what she felt ... it was all different. Not necessarily bad different—there was a frisson of curiosity in him, a shiver up his spine, that wasn't entirely unpleasant—but different enough to cause him to change how he looked at her, how he spoke to her. "This all sounded much better in my head," he finished lamely.

"Cullen, I wouldn't have let you suffer. Not if I can help." Dagna looked out over the top of the wall. "I couldn't let anyone suffer, not when I knew there were things I could do. It's why I left Orzammar. But you least of all." Her voice turned brisk. "How is the pain now?"

"Better. It comes and goes—sometimes I feel as if I'm back there, and that's when it's ... the worst. I should not have pushed myself so far that day."

"You push yourself too far every day," she scolded. "You have to be more careful with yourself. The Inquisition needs you, and so do—" Dagna caught herself, blushing. "Others."

"I—will attempt to moderate my habits," he said stiffly, not certain if he should say something to indicate he knew what she had almost let slip ... or what he would say if he did. "You know what truly happened at Ferelden's Circle, you more than almost anyone. I've never really spoken of it."

"I know. I wish—I think it would have less of a hold over you if you didn't keep it so close. I know how you feel, that you're ashamed and embarrassed, but you didn't do anything wrong."

"You say that, but I was a Templar. I was trained to—I should have responded better. And ... for years afterward I was not myself. I was angry. So angry. And that anger blinded me to things I should have seen, and done. I am not proud of the man that made me."

"You've come a long way since then ... and you have every reason to be proud of the man you are today. I—I like him."

"Thank you." He took her words at face value—above any more unsettling emotion, Dagna was his friend. She had always been his friend, and she had never lied to him. "I do feel I can start to put some distance between myself and everything that happened now, which I never felt before. It's ... a good feeling. I can't pretend that man I became for so long never existed; I wouldn't want to. But I'm here now and I can make that mean something." He looked down at her, and without thinking he reached for her hand, turning it over and touching the calluses at the base of her fingers gently. "How are you holding up? I've seen the list of tasks and projects you have before you. Do you need help? Are you overworking yourself?"