MANAL

48: Manal

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Dazzled, I stood in front of the notice board. I couldn't believe my eyes. I had to double-check for confirmation.  For all I knew, my eyes were only deceiving me. A lone tear slipped from my eye, but I was quick to wipe it. I didn't want anyone to see how shaken I was. Not Na'eem or anyone else.

I turned around in an attempt to get away from the crowd, but Na'eem stood in front of me like a pillar, blocking my path.

"Please let me through." I beseeched; trying so hard to control my voice from quivering, which I woefully failed to do.

"Where are you going?" His voice was soft. The concern in it didn't go unnoticed. His gaze was fixated on me.

"I don't know!" I snapped. "Just let me be. I don't want to talk to anyone right now. I want to be alone."

"Okay, let's go to the cafeteria over there," he suggested. "I will accompany you."

"No, please," I declined. "I don't want to go there." Why couldn't he understand that I wanted to be alone. I wanted to be alone to process things. He, clinging to me that way, was not in any way helping matters. If anything, he was making the feeling intense for me.

"Okay... let's go back to the classroom. I'm sure everyone has left already."

"Fine." I responded—not because I was okay with that, but because I actually needed somewhere to sit. My legs were shaky and my heart, heavy. I felt the need to throw up.

Walking into the classroom, I hurried to the far end of the class and took a seat.

As expected, Na'eem followed suit. He took a seat beside me and lightly tapped me on the shoulder.

In a gentle manner, I shrugged his hand away and looked everywhere, but him. To say I felt embarrassed to the core would be an understatement.

"Manal..." Na'eem's voice trailed.

He didn't have to do anything more. Calling my name alone, made me break down. I reclined my head on the desk and began to sob; my shoulders shuddering, aggressively.

"Why are you acting this way?" Na'eem's voice didn't stop me from sobbing. In fact, it seemed to add fuel the emotion. "Hey! Please stop crying."

I wanted to speak. I wanted to tell him to go away and leave me to process the reality, but I couldn't bring myself to utter a word. If I had spoken at that moment, I knew I would wail. I didn't want to attract people's attention to me.

"Manal, listen," Na'eem swallowed. "You don't have to beat yourself over what has happened. No one has a control over it anymore. The best you can do, is study harder next time. You're smart. I know you won't have a difficult time."

How I wished I could convey the things I had running through my mind at the moment. How was I supposed to explain the situation to my family? How would abii feel? Ummi would indubitably be disappointed in me.

After the last time I disappointed them, I had promised myself never to do it anymore—unless it was not in my power, but I failed. All these wouldn't have happened had I studied harder. I had no one else to blame, but myself.

"Mana, please talk to me." Na'eem continued. "It feels weird seeing you like this. I never knew you were such a crybaby."

I knew it wasn't his intention to make me feel bad, but rather to make me laugh or lift my spirit a bit, but I felt more tears forming in my eyes and falling onto the desk.