𝐒𝐈𝐍𝐒

8

Chapter 8
Clean up

"I just don't get why I need anyone else. I already have you" I said. "Joridawnie I'm not always gonna be here I'm getting old" my friend responded. "So...that doesn't mean anything " I quiet down. "Joridawnie please" he rubbed his face with his hands. I can tell this argument was stressing him out. But I didn't care. I know I can be stubborn but this was something he had to hear me out on. I didn't care about hearing his side because that didn't matter. His points weren't more valid than mine. "I'm your happiness and you're mine why does it matter" I asked on the verge of tears. "I get that but I want you to meet other people don't push everyone away like you always do" he yelled. "I only push away people that need to be pushed away" I argued. "And I'm telling you that sometimes it's ok to get hurt. Instead you're the one hurting yourself by not allowing people in. That's doing more damage than taking the risk in trusting people" he said. I was left speechless. There was nothing I can say to that. Maybe he was right, maybe he was wrong. I don't know because all of this time I've been thinking I was protecting myself in the right way, when I wasn't.

"Then again, I can't entirely blame you Joridawnie" he grabbed my face. "It's not your fault. It's how you coped with growing up the wrong way"

"You know what I'm staying here. This is my new house permanently and when you die this will be my house. And i'm never going back home" I stormed up to my room. I closed the door and laid in my bed. I balled my body up while hugging a pillow and stayed like that. I hated feeling like this. I felt like there was only one emotion going through my body and that was anger. There was no room for sympathy, love, or sadness. I didn't want to feel this way but I did. I went down one route and now I'm stuck on this road permanently. I didn't know how to fix it or where to start. And the worst part about it was... I didn't know when the end was coming. Maybe there wasn't even an ending to begin with.

I wanted to cry so bad, but then again.
What am I crying for?

-----Flashback------

I was currently watching my younger sister play in the park when a guy walked up to me. "Hey" he said with a smile. He was clearly older than me. They way his full grown bread and braces looked gave it away. "Hi" I said not really wanting to talk him. I didn't even want to be outside today. It was way too hot for my liking. "So why are you here if you're not doing anything" he asked. "My little sister" I answered. "You see the boy playing with the little girl in bows" he pointed to my sister. "Yeah" I said. "That's my brother".

"Yani come push me on the swings" my sister said. I was about to get up and walk away but the guy grabbed me by the arm. "You're just gonna walk away from our conversation...kind of rude" he said with aggression. "First, don't touch me" I snatched my arm back. "Second, don't talk to me like I owe you something". Just then I felt a pull on my hair. "Ow" I yelled. "I think you should let her go" another male voice said. I looked up and seen an old white guy. "What are you going do about it" the first guy asked. The boy let me go and I ran over to my sister. "Let's go" I grabbed her arm. "But I don't wanna leave" she whined.

I walked passed the men dragging her along and quickly walked home.
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I then noticed that man started to follow me. I saw him after school, at stores, around my house, and even at restaurants. It had been happening for weeks. "Yani come take out the trash" my mom yelled. I clicked off my phone and got up. I put my house shoes on before jogging downstairs to get the trash. I pulled it out of the can and dragged it to the front door. I walked down the drive way and to the dumpster. I once again spotted the same old creepy man. I put the trash away and walked over to him. I looked him dead in the eye so he knew that I saw him. That didn't seem to faze him though. He continued to stare at me like he was lost or something."Sir thank you for the other day but please stop following me" I said. "I'm sorry but... you remind me of my daughter and I just can't let go" he rubbed his forehead. I looked him up and down then looked at the colour of my skin.

I started walking back to the house and he continued to watch. "Just tell me what you want" I stopped and turned around. "Just let me show you something". "Show me what? First you follow me for two weeks like a creep. Then you continue to do it with no shame after I just confronted you. Just so you can show me something? I don't have time to play out one of your weird racist fantasy" I snapped. He laughed at my response. "I promise it's nothing like that".

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"I made spaghetti" he walked in my room. I just laid there in the hot pillow. He placed the plate on the night stand and sat on the edge of the bed. I still didn't turn around though. He placed his hand on my side and softly rubbed it. "Joridawnie you're the strongest person I know. I'm not gonna tell you everything's ok or it won't always be this way because you never know. Just try your best" he said. "But why" I sat up. "Why what" he asked. "Why do I have to try my best. Why do I have to be calm and strong while people make my life the hardest. No one tells them to stop. No one tells them that they're hurting me".

"To be honest I can't tell you why. It's just how it is". "But why do they get a pass and I don't. Soon as I do the same as them or just a little bit of bad it's on me". "Maybe you should tell them that" he said. "I can't" I flopped backwards. "Why not" he asked. "Because they're doing it in the first place what makes you think they won't do something worst when I defend myself" another tear fell out my eye as I stared at the ceiling. "I feel so helpless" I added.

"I'll keep you safe for as long as I can" he hugged me. I wrapped my arms around him and let it all out.

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TBC