Feelings, maybe?

I can't

I want to try new things
and do something incredible,
Something that will make me happy,
Something that I'll like to do.
I can't, though.
'Cause I should be better at it.
'Cause I don't know how to do it.
'Cause it scares me.
'Cause I won't accept help.

And I want to punch whatever said that.
the thing inside me that keeps me stationary,
that keeps me unsatisfied.

I want to go out
and try on new clothes,
something that'll fit me better,
something that suits who I am.
I can't though.
'Cause I've already got a style.
'Cause I'll look like a clown.
'Cause It'll confuse people.
'Cause I'm fine as I am.

And I want to punch whatever said that.
the thing inside me that makes me uncomfortable,
that makes me insincere.

I think that thing is Anxiety
I haven't said its name.
"It's more poetic that way."
But it's a monster.
And I've been hiding in the dark,
too scared to truly admit it's here,
too scared to try to investigate it further.

I don't really know this Monster's Name.
I haven't asked.
"I don't need to know."
But it's my monster.
And I've been letting it occupy my head,
too scared to push it out of my way,
too scared to try to tell it to leave.

I want to learn about this Monster.
from people other than myself,
People who fight monsters every day,
People who know it's name.
It's telling me I can't, though.
'Cause I already know my monster.
'Cause I don't really want to know.
'Cause when I ask, there will be no monster.

All this time it was just my shadow
and the only thing restricting me was me and my inadequacies.
I really don't want that.
I really want a reason for my behavior.
Something that makes it not my fault,
so I can breathe,
and feel like I'm good again.

I don't want to be the Monster.

written in frustration.
11/8/20