My name is Vanessa, and I've wanted to die for so long. I tried so many times and I never succeeded. Everytime I failed or woke up, I thought to myself; 'I can't even kill myself properly."
I still daydream about driving full speed into a tree, my car flipping over the railing and my lack of a seat belt killing me or the car exploding.
As I write this, I want to take my blade and cut so deep the doctors can't stitch it up, but I know nobody would find me. Not for another week. I could disappear and nobody would notice. Not for a while.
When I was in therapy, they told me not to apologize. That I said sorry so often I believe everything was my fault. When every corner of your home demands apologies, what else is there to do?
So I'm sorry to anyone who's time I wasted.
I'm sorry to you reading this, because I wish I could take away all your pain. All the hurt and darkness.
I'm sorry to my younger self, your eyes were filled with a light that turned to darkness. And you had so much hope, and I don't know what happened.
I guess the world happened, there is no magic, and there is no fairytale ending.
I've learned time and time again, that the world is a cold dark place and it will consume you. Sucking everything that is good, leaving an empty shell in your place.
I'm sorry to those I failed, I tried, I really did.
I'm so sorry.
I just don't want to hurt anymore
But no matter what I do,
The pain never stops
And I'm sorry if I tricked you guys, but I'm not the person you should be listening to.
I wanted to help, but how can I help you?
I can't help myself.
I thought that if I tried hard enough I could make myself better. I've lived like this for 22 years. My entire life. I made it to 22, turned 22 last week. I survived, but I don't want to survive. I'm tired.
I wasn't meant to be happy, but I would take a hundred unhappy lifetimes. If it meant I could help someone.
I originally wrote this book in high school. I wrote what I needed to hear. I still continued attempting suicide. I still lost hope, but I'm still here. Clinging to the thought that maybe one day.
Even if it's not today
