Just My Random (and depressing) Thoughts

First Entry | December 15th, 2020

I'm sick today. I played outside in the snow for five or six hours in just a hoodie, my sweats, my marching shoes, and a pair of socks over my hands so I could make snowmen without getting frostbite. I've always been sensitive to the cold. I wasn't used to be allowed outside during the winter months because I can get sick. Ever since my birth family and I moved to a warmer climate, snow days are rare. Now they allow me out during snow days simply because they are so rare.

My nasal passages are too small. I usually can't smell most of the year because each season brings allergens that make my nose get stuffy. During winter, my nasal passages get so stuffed full of snot that it pushes against my ears. This causes a sinus infection. I don't really notice too big a difference with the sinus infection simply because I'm fighting my allergies all year-'round. What I do notice is when my sinus infection pushes against my ears and causes earaches. I notice those because it feels like someone is stabbing a knife into your eardrum. It is so painful.

This earache can bring about another problem. I'm allergic to antibiotics. My body naturally produces too much yeast. It builds and builds and builds until, finally, I get something that not even doctors know what it is. It'll start with a little spot on the tongue. Like, a wart maybe. But then, if it doesn't go away within the first day, it'll get raw and the skin will peel to reveal the raw flesh on the inside on my tongue. Can't eat, can't drink, can't talk, can't do anything that requires me to open my mouth. It is so painful. I went two and a half weeks with this my very first time. Doctors just gave me antibiotics and sent me away. It kept getting worse. It was so unbearably painful that I couldn't even sleep. I stayed up for three straight nights because the pain was too great to ignore. I ate a tiny bowl of ice cream a day, at most, from Freddy's. It still hurt so bad. I hated putting anything in my mouth. I didn't even want to open my mouth because the pain was terrible. I barely drank water, maybe a quarter of a cup a day. I wasn't healthy. I was dying. I was so very dehydrated that my muscles cramped up so bad that I couldn't move, I was so hungry that I didn't even crave food. Even the thought of food made me nauseous. I was starving. I, and my birth family, made a road trip up north to see my uncles wedding. It was beautiful, but I couldn't enjoy it. Everyone eating all this delicious food and I couldn't even have it. I cried the entire time the food was out because I was so hungry and I knew I was going to die if I couldn't get anything in me soon. I eventually had to leave the wedding. I stood outside the building the majority of it. It was chilly but not too bad. The stars were the only thing that could distract me from crying, though the pain was still there. We get home, stop the antibiotics and wait it out. Things cleared up for me in the next few days. I slowly integrated back to eating, still a little painful, but not quite so much. My water habits never really got to normal, though. I drink about a half a cup of water on an average day, and I'll always have a glass or two of milk. On a good day, maybe even three or four glasses of milk. I don't really feel bad, though. An occasional headache maybe but usually just on hot days during marching season.

I do get really lightheaded, and, if I look up or look down, I'll get dizzy. If I stand up, raise my arm, lean back to fast, I get dizzy. This could be something entirely but, for now, I'm associating it my wanting to die story.

After I get done with my unknown illness, I get thrush. Just a white layer over my tongue that I scrape off with a toothbrush. Not bad.

Back to the beginning of the story, I just recently got over the sickness with no name. Then a snow day came around. Where I live, we haven't had a real snow day since 2012 or 2013 (I don't remember). I was outside for five or six hours. I'm getting an earache and, if it progresses, I'll need to take antibiotics. Antibiotics = Me Wanting to Die.