A Guide on How Not to Live Your Life

K and S

Dear K
I'm fucked up. I'm completely fucked up, yet people like you give me hope. You're like my little brother, there's something in your eyes that tells me you won't end up in the same boat as me. I'll happily sacrifice myself if you and him end up on a cruise ship and I on a small, water filled life boat.
I'll drown so that you may live.
You're everything I'm not, but I'm some ways we're the same. I can't tell if I'm attracted to you, or just simply want to be for friend, or maybe I'm happy just mutually existing- I don't know. There's a glimmer in your eyes that nobody sees, sadness and happiness at the same time, but it's running out. I've heard you speak a few times. You have a few friends, and a girlfriend. I hate her. She's beautiful, she's everything I'm not. She wears vintage floral bandannas over her long, silky brown hair and jeans that are a little too baggy and shirts that are a little too short, and j know I could never compare to the beauty that is S.
I hate you, S. It's my own insecurity.
I shop at hot topic, I wear black mostly, crazy eyeliner. Maybe to make up for the attention I lack. Or, maybe as a way to push everybody away. To scare them off.
I want you, K. I want to hear your voice over the phone in the late nights and early mornings. I want to text you for hours, I want to sit in the skatepark together and watch the sunset while the cops chase us away for staying there too late again. I know you're there, because I'm always there and I see you with S.

Why do you love S?

I see your hands as you pick up the pencil you dropped, long, slender fingers, skin white as snow with red blushing around your knuckles because of the cold. It's funny, isn't it, K? It's always so cold at school. I wish I could heat your cold hands up for you, hold them close. I want to kiss you, long yet gentle because I know you don't like when people are too rough with you. You're a piece of glass, I have to be delicate or you might shatter. I know you don't like it because you flinch anytime S pats your back, or grabs your hand. She doesn't understand you the way I do. She doesn't get it. How it feels to sit alone in the back of the class, with nobody to talk to.

I want to softly undress you, carefully pull off your t-shirt, to reveal the body you seem so insecure about. Is that why you always wear a hoodie, and hate wearing a t-shirt in gym? Your body is beautiful, K. I could show you that. I wish I could show you that. I want to feel your gentle touch, your cold hands trace up and down my arms. I want to scream your name,  I want to be yours. I want to be yours forever.
Do you feel the same, K?

I love you, K. Tell me you feel the same.