A Guide on How Not to Live Your Life

J and N

I love K, I really do, but why am I attracted to you more, J? You're someone like me, on the inside. You debate and fight with people on a daily, you tower over everybody else, you listen to the same music I do, watch the same movies I watched.

So why, when I told you how I felt, were you so disgusted?

We're meant to be together. I feel it in the hallways, when we walk past each other every so often. I feel naturally drawn to you. Don't you feel the same, J? Don't you feel the pull in your heart? That feeling that you should kiss me right then and there, drown out the people in the hallway and just have each other?

N.

I love you too, N, but not in that way. Why does J like you? It's hard, because you assume I don't like him anymore. You assume how I feel about him. If only you knew, N.
If only you knew.
You tell me everything he tells you, how he wants to hold your hand during horror movies when you're scared, how you're pretty with your hair down. Why can't I be you, N?
He tells you other things too, about how even though he's friends with K and a few others he still feels alone. Couldn't I fill that void, J? We were such good friends before.

The way I feel about you is so different from K. I want you to take care of me, I want you to hold my hand, to fight anybody who tries to hurt me. I want you to hold me at night when I'm scared. I want to be protected.
I want you to force me to take it during sex, tell me to shut up and take it like a little slut. I want you to choke me, hit me, slap me, spit on me. I want you to have my entire body and soul. Isn't that enough for you, J?

You have the shine in your eyes, too. The glimmer that tells me you're lonely, all the time, on the verge of being completely numb. Why was it N, and not me?
Why J?