#7

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Haphephobia is the fear of being touched
I am afraid of being touched
I am afraid of being touched as much as someone who is allergic to penicillin.
I even break out in hives
I've been afraid since I was 7 years old
So I've learned how to control the feelings if I were touched
The suffocation
The panic
The pain
The fear
I know how to control it
But, When someone accidentally brushes me
Or if my dad forgets that I shouldn't be touched because it might trigger memories that I have worked so hard to overcome
Or if someone sees me having a panic attack caused by this one fear and touches my shoulder to get my head out of my whirlwind of thoughts.
I'm not expecting it....
I forget how to control it.
I forget to breathe.
I forget that I don't have to be scared.
I forget that I'm safe and that where I am is a safe place
And I cave into those thoughts and those feelings
But, the thing about this fear is that...
I crave the feeling of cuddling.
I crave the feeling of hugs.
I crave the feeling of holding someone's hand.
I crave the feeling of being touched at random times by someone I care about.
I crave the feeling of being touched.
But I can't have it.

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⏰ Last updated: Dec 17, 2020 ⏰

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