Her Letters

#2

10 things that I wish would stop hurting

Thinking about him even though he's no longer in my life.
      He inhabits my thoughts more than anything else.
      Like how he would be in my bed cuddling me
      when I cry over the dog dying in a movie
      or the stupid jokes he made about kissing me.
      Or about the way he always had a crooked smile.
      And how he blushed when I teased him about things.
      And vice versa
Walking to places that he and I hung out at and where we can find each other.
Like the park where we swung on the swings and took naps in the slides. Where we played triple dog dare or double truth.
I can't say hello to him if he's there. I can't speak. I can't do anything I want to do. 
I can't run up and tell him that I miss him. That I want him back in my life I cant run up and call him sunflower I cant run up and kiss his forehead.  I cant run up and say that I love him. Even though I probably wouldnt be able to admit it to him

Making sugar cookies because that was OUR thing.
He loved my sugar cookies. And I still have a box of ones he cut out on my bedside table. Cut up in hearts and dogs that I insisted needed a collar for each.
I should probably throw them away soon...
Drinking my mint green tea. He made it a special way and it tasted amazing. He never got to tell me how he made it. So now I'm stuck with tea that is just sub-par. 
Looking at my phone expecting messages from him asking for us to hang out or that he wants to come over and sleep.
I still haven't blocked him and I really should. I really... should.
I should delete the messages so I can stop thinking that everything is normal. Even though the evidence that everything isn't is typed right out in black saying "we can't talk or hang out anymore". 

Wishing that I never showed him my favorite spot on earth.
       In the middle of the woods across the railroad tracks about 23 minutes away from my house sits a clubhouse next to a creek that holds all my secrets. All of the good things I have
           Now I can't go there without thinking about him.
      Because I think of the almosts that happened there.
      The almost kisses
      The almost relationship
       The almosts.
      
       
His ex, My best friend is having more conversations with him than I do. And her telling me how he is and that he talks about me sometimes. He doesn't hate me. 
He doesn't hate me.
He doesn't hate me.
He doesn't.
That's all the ever repeats in my head when she tells me that.

Going through my books and seeing the scribbles he drew.
Not erasing them and just simply shutting the book and throwing it. Because to me seeing that he wasn't a figure of my imagination makes me so angry. And I don't know why. Or maybe I do and I just don't want to admit it.

Having my parents ask why I'm not out and about with him.
Even though they know about what happened They still remind me. Over and over again. Don't they realize I do it plenty myself?

Knowing that I fell for him. Fell for his goofy smile. His messy hair His voice that's rough in the mornings but velvet smooth by the afternoon. The way he texted in the morning and throughout the day. The way he talked like there was time for anything to happen. The way that he walked like there was no-where to go. The way his mind worked like there wasn't really anything to think about but thought about everything twice as fast. The way he simply was there in my life like he was there for longer than the time he was. I fell for him even though I promised myself that I wouldn't. That I wouldn't get attached to him.
That I wouldnt let him into my life and become someone I loved. That i wouldnt let him bury himself into my heart like a fisherman catching a fish.
I only wish that when he left that he took my heart with him so I didn't have to feel the crack he left in his absence. So I don't have to feel the way it hurts to breathe when I lay down at night and start to think about him.  That I wouldnt feel this pain in my heart. That I wouldn't feel the hurt that I'm feeling right now.