That Bitch Chloe

Chapter 2: The Party

    The moment Derek and I had officially started living together, I had wanted to give it my all. You see but since the confrontation had happened, leading Derek to avoid me for the next few days I decided to keep my distance. Yet Derek found another reason to be annoyed with me, because on the day I wasn't around he was moving in his furniture so I should have been there to help. Yet seeing my friend Jessa that day and talking about the chaotic mess of things had been the only thing keeping me sane. When I got home that evening although a little uneasy things soon felt a better after Derek's storming out brought him back with a six pack of beer. I drank in the kitchen next to Derek and he shot gunned a beer. His eyes meeting mine for a second as I hoped it was him admiring me. I hoped he was growing fonder of me. At least I could pretend he looked happy under the influence.

     As the week creeped on I excitedly waited one day for Derek to arrive home. I was lonely and tired of the frustrations of work. I wanted a distraction, and a sexual one for that matter. The hours creeped on and I lay wide awake in my bed full of anxiety. Something didn't sit right with me. Derek hadn't even bothered to tell me he wasn't going to be home that night, so he should be. I knew we weren't a legit couple but if he was out there having sex with someone it was cheating in my books. It was a heartbreaking idea as I stumbled through my thoughts like a drunk person stumbles home. My body ran with fear from the idea, of not being loved or good enough for him. Then the fear turned to anger and hurt as I felt like I meant nothing to him anymore. I don't know how I got to sleep but I eventually did in the wee hours of the night. With still no word in the morning I went to work feeling broken, like my wings had been snapped in half. A few hours went by before my phone dinged. 

"Slept at a guys house from work. Phone died last night so that's why I didn't text you, sorry. On my home soon"

I still didn't really feel like that was the end of his story, or the truth but I tried to let it go. We went out for drinks that night but it didn't feel like we had much to talk about. I had to be optimistic about things but that optimism came crashing down when Derek required himself to wear a condom for the next time we were intimate. Which was fucking weird because we didn't use condoms. I was on birth control and we had stopped using condoms long ago. It was a weird trust I had in him that he wouldn't pass on anything to me, but him doing this made me feel like I was dirty to him. I sat there conflicted afterwards and for days questioned my sanity till he brought it up on his own terms. 

"You know how were sleeping with other people right? That is what were doing right?" 

My heart stopped beating as I looked him dead in the eyes. Slightly intimated but nodded to hear where this was going. He wouldn't have brought it up if he hadn't had sex. It was defiantly about that night. I dreaded the answer to his question more than the fear of dying at that moment. Someone please plus the god damn trigger on me.  

"I didn't use a condom with this chick because we got drunk and lost up in the moment, and now I'm worried I got something. I do feel a little weird."

The silence around me felt like it was starting to ring in my ears loud and clear. Like a tidal wave of fog was sweeping over my intelligence and rational thinking. I was hurt but behind this mask I had created for myself, trying to hide all sense of being an emotional mess. Trying to be someone I wasn't, someone who wouldn't get hurt by this because there was so much on the line. My happiness, my housing and my sanity. For a couple days I lived with this grey cloud over my head till one  day it all came out over text in frustration. 

Mary: I know I seemed okay with it but I'm not fucking okay with things. We sleep in the same bed every night and that means something to me.