A Way Out

Chapter 34

An exact month passed since I last saw Donovan Dane. Thirty-one days passed and I could still feel his lips lingering on mine. It was a sweet pleasure, but also delightful torture. I hoped that eventually, my feelings would fade away, but they only grew stronger, making me feel like I made a terrible choice. Then again, choosing yourself could never be a bad thing, right? It was the first time I'd done it, and it caused me to lose Donovan. I still didn't know if it had been worth it.

When I told Raleigh I stopped working with Donovan, she understood but also thought it was a shame because my talent wouldn't be out in the world. I understood where she came from. Publishing my work was what I've always wanted. This had been my shot, and I blew it with no going back. Donovan said the offer would remain and backtracking would turn the words I'd spoken to him a month ago to dust. That's why I stood my ground.

"What may it be?" I asked Mrs. Ginny as I cleaned her table.

"You know dear," she quipped, crinkling her nose.

I chuckled. Of course, I knew, but things could always change. They did for me, but at the same time, they didn't. Everything went back to the way it was. I worked, came home, and watched movies with Raleigh in the evening. I still wrote the stories within my mind and they were only mine again, which, I had to admit, felt safe and secure.

What changed was Jake. I didn't see him since that night in the coffee shop, nor had I heard from him. I felt glad that he seemed to have taken a step back, but I also wondered. How was he? Was he okay? Did he find peace? Even though with everything that happened, I wished him well. I knew Jake well enough to know that deep down he wasn't that bad of a guy. He showed shimmers of a gentle person, but his demons overshadowed him. He showed me those demons over the past few years, and that made me dislike the person he became.

There had been another major change, which I wasn't ready to cope with yet. Donovan turned from a regular customer to a no-show. I could've known, and I appreciated the fact that he respected my wishes and boundaries. Still, I couldn't help but wonder how he was doing. What did he feel? I hated for him to feel lonely again.

"Dear?" Mrs. Ginny asked when I placed her order on the table.

"Yes?" I asked, adoring the woman who had been my favorite regular customer.

"What happened?" she asked as she pulled a chair out for me to take. My eyes went round as I raised my eyebrows, surprised at the woman's gesture.

"I'm not sure what you mean?" I said as Mrs. Ginny placed her soft hand on mine and I took a seat.

"I'm missing the spark within your eyes," she told me, and my heart dropped at her words.

I've tried to hide the void within my heart. The storming feelings that had occupied my body this past time came to a rest the moment I left Donovan's office. It made me feel lighter and less worried, but those erratic feelings made a place for a hole in my heart. One that hurt whenever my thoughts took my mind on a journey.

"I made a choice and I'm still not sure if it's the right one," I told Mrs. Ginny, who pushed her glasses farther on the bridge of her nose.

"What was your reasoning for deciding?" she asked.

"Choosing myself for once." I sighed, raking my hand through my curly hair.

Mrs. Ginny smiled, making me look at her in wonder. Did I say something funny? "You should be proud of yourself, honey. We rarely decide for ourselves. Now it's important to find what does makes you happy and pursue that," Mrs. Ginny told me.

I sat back in my chair and looked at her. She was right. Of course, she was right. It was ready for me to move forward, and only I could oversee the steps I took. I could make my decisions to ensure my happiness. "The only thing I ever wanted was to write. I just didn't want to do it in the current circumstances," I spoke softly while thinking out loud.