Murder Most Unstraightlike

chapter 7 (clandestine meetings)

Deepdean, Winter 1936

Why didn't I hate her? The question plagued my thoughts daily, circulating around my head to the point where I could think of nothing else. By the second week of term however, I thought I knew the answer. It became clearer and clearer every day; each time she caught my eye and grinned during lessons, all the times her elbow brushed up against mine. On multiple occasions when I was staring into space, I found my eyes subconsciously focusing on her in the most traitorous way, yet sometimes I found her gazing back. These instances were the ones that brought forth the chill down my body and the blush in my cheeks, and the ones that filled me with a rage I couldn't explain. I wasn't going to do this. I would not catch myself fawning over Amina like the foolish shrimps. No matter how enticing her smirk was, or how bright was the light she radiated wherever she went. My tactic of covering up my conflicted feelings with anger and cruelty did not seem to deter Amina, who was just as persistent as ever. One day during the third week of term, in the middle of a highly dull Latin lesson, she kicked gently at my foot and pressed a piece of paper into my hand that I had extended behind me as a force of habit. I could already feel my palms dampening. I wanted to open it and read it, but I did not wish for Amina to see me doing so. I could not risk turning around to look at her however, so I brought the note to my lap, and opened it as discretely as I could.                                                                                                        "Meet me on the roof at midnight" was scrawled in Amina's hasty hand.                                              My stomach dropped. I acted immediately, ripping the paper into quarters in plain view of Hazel, who was sitting me next to me and watching with an almost annoyed expression on her face. Once she had turned away however, I turned to Amina, who's expression was so hurt that I felt a horrid pang of guilt, and gave a very subtle nod. I turned around quickly, but not before seeing her face light up, and a smile formed on my own lips in spite of myself.

Amina was already sitting on the roof when I arrived, wrapped in a thick blanket and reading a book. As soon as I saw her the horrible twist in my stomach arrived all over again, and everything in my head was telling me to turn back and return to my dorm. What if Hazel had seen me leaving? I had been extremely careful and had made absolutely minimal noise, but Hazel really is becoming very noticing these days. Just as I was about to give in to these second thoughts and climb back, Amina looked up from her book and beamed at me. At the sight of her smile, any regrets I'd been having melted away, swiftly being replaced with fizzing excitement, though mingling with caution. She hopped down from the roof peak she'd been sitting on on and stumbled towards me, grinning from ear to ear. There was no sign of nerves on her face.        "Hi!" she said gleefully.                                                                                                                                                      "Hi." I said back. There was a brief moment of silence, and I hoped more than anything for Amina to be the one to break it, which fortunately she was.                                                                              "I stole some food from Clementine's tuck box, I thought we could...eat that" she smiled slightly awkwardly and led me over to where she'd been sitting, "I'd use my own food but I...ate all of it" she added sheepishly. I laughed and sat down, helping myself to a sherbet lemon. Amina sat down too, and was I making it up, or did she seem flustered?

We talked on the roof for three hours. I marvelled at how easy it was to talk to Amina. I had anticipated that this meeting would be awkward, that we would be unable to make conversation and I'd be back in my dorm before one 'o' clock, but conversing with Amina resolved to be as easy as doing so with Hazel or George. We spoke about lessons, mistresses and big girls we didn't like, prep we thought unreasonable, and I even told her stories from before she had come to Deepdean. I was sure Clementine had already told her some of them, but if that were true, Amina didn't mention it. She looked me in the eye while I spoke, and listened and responded with a level of genuineness that no one had shown me before. She told me stories too, tales from her home in Egypt and anecdotes from her previous school, some of which were positively scandalous. When three in the morning rolled around, we were doubled over in fits of laughter. There were tears of mirth in Amina's eyes and my breath came in wheezes; it was all we could do to sit there guffawing, trying to pull ourselves together. When we had calmed down, silence fell for the first time. I looked at Amina.. Moonlight was falling across her face, and her eyes shined and sparkled in it. She looked like she was in a painting. I don't know what made me say it, but the question was out of my mouth before I could swallow it down.                                        "Why did you ask me to meet you here?"                                                                                                                  Amina looked slightly taken aback.                                                                                                                              "I-" she began, "I asked you to meet me here because you're very interesting and I would like to get to know you better." She said it so easily, as though she did this all the time, which I realised then that she might.                                                                                                                                                            "But why did you ask me?"  I persisted, "Why not Hazel? She's been far nicer to you than I have"  "Hazel actually speaks to me during the day, so I don't have to ask her to meet me secretly at midnight"                                                                                                                                                                                  It was a subtle reprimand, but a strong enough one to leave me feeling slightly ashamed of myself. Another silence fell after that, a slightly more uncomfortable one.                                                  "Sorry." I muttered.                                                                                                                                                              "Sorry, didn't catch that." Amina teased.                                                                                                                    "You heard me!" I snapped back, in a tone I hoped was good-natured. Amina giggled, so I assumed it was.                                                                                                                                                                     I looked at Amina again. She was very close to me, I could see myself reflected in her pupils. Her eyes themselves were the richest, most beautiful brown I'd ever seen, and I had to tear my gaze from them before my cheeks decided to give me away. I must've been visibly flustered, as Amina laughed again. She had a slight gap between her two front teeth, the kind that's only noticeable when you look closely. I liked it a lot.                                                                                                      

Then I realised what I was saying, and my stomach dropped alarmingly again. Here it was. The moment I could not avoid, but had been attempting to postpone since the summer term. I was not happy about its arrival.                                                                                                                                              "I- I think I should go," I blurted, "before Hazel notices I'm gone."                                                                Amina's face momentarily formed an expression of disappointment, but she quickly rearranged it to look unperterbed.  Something told me she knew what had just happened inside my head, and had hoped for a different reaction. Well she would not get it.                                                                "Oh, okay" she said, in an almost convincing tone of nonchalance, "we should do this again though!"                                                                                                                                                                                    I smiled and nodded at her, before quietly climbing back to my dorm. I managed to crawl into my bed without disturbing anyone, and only when I was safely under the sheets did I allow myself to dwell on the issue at hand.

I had feelings for Amina. I had known it, I had tried (and failed) to repress and ignore it, only for it to grow and grow into something larger than I'd ever felt before. I had no idea what to do about it. Was there a chance Amina felt the same way? Admittedly, yes. Was I ready for anything to happen in the event that she did? I did not know. I truly did not know.                                                        I felt hot tears sting my eyes, but I blinked them back furiously, turning onto my side. Love, I thought, really did ruin everything.