me loving you :chapter 2

Yes it happened,it was the worst day of my life. My life flashed before my eyes and i thought of you i wonder what you were thinking about but yes we crashed into a huge  truck, you died i was paralysed for life wheel chair bound,but you were gone dead your soul was gone and left your body forever. I should of listen and to be honest i wish it was me who died. Everyday i thought of you i loved you with all my heart and than i went a head and killed you and paralysed myself. Everday i wonder if i could of done something to keep you from dying,should i have tured the wheel push my body infront of yours but i think the best thing i could of done was listen to you but i didn't the one time i dont take your advice or listen to you i made the worst mistake anyone could ever make. For those few month after the crash i thought over all the decisions ive made and rethought life over and over again i also spent those momth in and out of hospital. Why would i do this to myself no one knows and nor do i. I truly hate myself for this decision i made. After i was finally out of hospital i went back to school i had to after all to get my degree thats were i met them my best friend they made me feel a little better about life they came to my house everyday to support me and be there for me and i should of thanked them more for this but i didnt. The list of mistakes go on and on so i made a horrible decision. I started cutting myself i went to drugs and alcohol one day i overdosed and was rushed to hospital and almost died i kinda wished i was not  found i wish i just died. After the hospital i had to go too a mental hospital and rehab when i was there  i didn't really care about anything at this point i felt numb i couldnt cry feel bad and i didn't have any emotions when i got out my parents were super strict i couldnt do anything i stayed inside all day and thats when another huge wave of depression hit me, thats when i made the decision to do it. The first thing i did was write a suicide letter for everything which said "dear world thankyou for making my life a whole another level of hell my life was amazing and i was happy and had all i needed and the and i was the happiest person ever but like that the world clicked its fingers and everything i loved and cared for was gone all for what, what did i do to deserve this i dont know but i feel like nothing so i did this to myself." To be honest i regret my decision to kill myself i shouldn't have and now i know suicide is never the answer but i did it anyways. Now my letters to my parents which said "dear the people that were there for me im so sorry for doing this but this was the only way i thought could help the numbness and for the pain to go away i hope you understand why i did this i love you and i hope you can forgive and im sorry for doing this i felt like i had no options left but thankyou and i love you forever and ever on so goodbye." The last letter i wrote was to my bestie which said as the following "dear bestie i love you and i appreciate you,you  really tried to help me and be there for me but im sorry that you couldn't help i was broken and it was not on you to try and fix me i love you  thankyou for all the lovely times and funny and crazy moments ill miss you and i hope you miss me goodbye for the last time love you." To anyone out there thinking of suicide dont do it there is always help out there now that im gone i regret it but its okay you learn from your mistakes.