Alsina is my Weakness

Chapter Two: Nostalgia

I want to thank augustmentalit-y for creating this book cover, it is truly beautiful.

9:30pm

I was giving myself a headache thinking about August. It literally hurt to think of him.

I wash my dishes and head to bed.

While in bed, I reach over to my nightstand and grab sleeping pills.

These have been my best friends lately.

I take two and lay down, hoping I can fall asleep before my mind gets the chance to wander.

As I waited for sleep to consume me, I tried to prevent myself from overthinking.

It was silent except for the faint ticking of the clock that hung on my wall.

I hated hearing that godforsaken sound. It kept me conscious of how fast my life is actually going by.

How fast life is fleeting. How evanescent moments are.

Every time that clock ticked, the less time I had to live.

I literally listened to me wasting my time.

Time is too transient to waste it being alone and unhappy. And yet that's exactly what I'm doing.

By keeping myself away from him, I'm hurting myself.

But if I go to him, and he no longer wants me, I'll die.
If I go to him, and he doesn't remember me, I'll die.
If I go to him, and he rejects me, I'll die.

I guess I'm afraid. Afraid of the unknown. I pray that he's the same person I fell in love with in New Orleans.

But if he is not. And if he has changed. If he no longer wants me. And if he rejects me. It will kill me slowly but in my mind the words of Alfred Lord Tennyson will echo:

"'Tis better to have loved and lost
Than never to have loved at all."

I suppose...

August

I don't know why I do this to myself. Every time I perform in New York City I search the fucking crowd for her.

I guess somewhere inside my mind, I still possess that little bit of faith I should have let go a long time ago.

I still want to believe that wherever she is, wherever she is laying her head tonight, she still misses a nigga.

She still feels the same way she did when she wrote that poem.

While on stage I performed. If I can be honest, I wasn't really focused. I wasn't feeling it tonight. My mind was somewhere else.

My mind was on her constantly.

I didn't think I could finish the show with how unfocused I was but fortunately I got through it.

After the show, I was physically and mentally exhausted. I couldn't wait to get back to the hotel to get some fucking sleep.

11pm

I laid in bed exhausted as hell but I couldn't go to sleep.
I can't go to sleep knowing that she's out here somewhere.
We're in the same city, breathing the same fucking air and I can't find her.
I leave tomorrow and all I want to do is see her.

I just wanna see her.

I miss her. I'm tired of not having her in my life. Everything just seems like a blur without her.