Obey me shall we date one shots and scenarios

Vent

I know it's rough. I know it's hard. I know it's hard not to cry yourself to sleep at night because you don't want to be viewed as a weak, pathetic, worthless piece of trash. You hear them fight. You hear him coming down the stairs to sleep on the couch. You hear him. It's like there's a line that connects your thoughts to his. He makes you feel unwanted. Hated. Unloved. You try to share your interests and accomplishments, but he always finds a way to pull you down. It's like your not good enough for him. For no one. I feel the same way because we're the same person. Who am I? I honestly don't know. Finlee Marie McIntyre, age 13 lives in Canada. The say that we are the most lucky to live in this country. Don't get me wrong we are. But how can you compare a life of a child who lives in a poor home with a family that trys to be there best for them. Loves them. Even without money. I rather be the most poor person in the world and have a family that cares for me than have the life I do now. It hurts constantly. I hide my feelings behind a mask of bravery and compassion. I hate the thought of someone going through the hell I did. I want to help. But I shut myself out because I don't want people to view me the way he does. Weak. If I cry, I'm weak, if I laugh I'm a Nuisance, if I get angry I need to calm down, if I try to stick up for myself I get punished, if I don't do anything, I'm considered a weakling. Everything I do is Ridiculed. It doesn't have a purpose. Just like me. I'm nothing. No one loves me there all liars. My depression and anxiety is fake. I lie about everything and everyone hates me. I'm a failure to my father. To my entire family. My friends don't care. They pity me. They look down on me. They talk about me and I know it. They really just leave me behind and then laugh at how hopeless I am. How much of a mistake I am. No one cares about you. You should just leave. Forever. Just kill yourself already. Those words flood my head everyday and I'm scared. What if they don't care? It's so hard to fight between the words of comfort and the words of hate. And I'm honestly lost. I try my hardest, but I seem to fall to short. I try to look in the mirror and tell myself : your loved. People care. Your family thinks your so important. Your siblings need you. Your mother protects you from harm. But... There just words- if my father loves me, why would he twist my arm after pleading for him to stop. Why would he yell at me for trying to help him? I-I don't know. I try to ask for help but when I do Im asking for attention, lying, being selfish. So I lock myself in my own world where no one can hurt me. I try to block out the evil thoughts and be happy, but in reality. I forgot what happy feels like. I haven't felt happy in a long time. What's it feel like? All I think I feel is, emptiness, sadness, anger, guilt, hate and remorse. I act happy. But am I? No. He took the last bit I had. I try not to burst into tears when I hear them fight. Or at school when someone makes a slight insult towards me, even though it's a joke. I pray to God that it gets better. But it never does. They tell me to pray and pray and pray. But nothing changes. I try to have faith, but I feel as if even he's against me. If he loved humans so much than what joy does he get from seeing people suffer. I just feel alone and scared. I'm so sorry. I tried, but I sometimes feel as if there's only one way out. But I stop and think about the end results. My little sister would never know me. My older sister might think she influenced my choices and hurt herself again. My brother, he would feel as if he could of stopped this. My mother, she would blame herself for not listening to me when I asked her for help. My cousins, they wouldn't understand since there little, but they would be sad. My aunts and uncles, they would have felt as if they should have known. My grandparents, they would feel as if that Mabey they should have spent more time with me. My friends, I told them my problems, they knew, but they couldn't help. My father, he would feel the most guilt. The most regret. Because deep inside he knew I was being hurt by his words. He knew what he did wasn't right. His parents were the same way. I know I shouldn't have those thoughts, but sometimes they consume me.

I know it's hard, but I will get through it. I'm not alone I'm loved. I have people who care and love me. I'm unique and proud of who I am and who I'm becoming. We all have dark thoughts but we can fight them with the people we love. I thank everyone who's helped me knowing or without knowing they helped. Thank you.

-Finlee. M