for when I need to get something off of my chest

you can talk to me, you know

You can talk to me, you know.

I ‎recognise‎ a mask when I see one. Probably because I know just too well when a smile is only worn and not felt. When the joy displayed on your lips doesn't reach your eyes. I've seen the way your eyes sparkle and shimmer when you're truly happy and to me, it's one of the most endearing things I've ever witnessed. Because when you smile, you tend to transmit this warm feeling of happiness and pure joy to those around you. 

But a couple of days ago your smile didn't seem honest. You were so silent that morning not really responding to most things that I said or being your goofy self. I could sense that something was wrong, but whenever I asked you didn't say a thing. And because I know that sometimes it's hard to admit that something's wrong, I let go of it. I've felt that way many times before, you know. That feeling of loneliness, like no one would understand anyway. When you choose not to burden anyone with your pain or think that it's not worth mentioning. I know that you probably just didn't want to bother me or didn't want me to be worried. So you decided to hide it.

You got silent and I felt so... helpless. I wanted to help you, to take some of the pressure off of your shoulders. I asked again and you still chose to keep quiet. Instead of telling me, you suggested that we could play something. I agreed and turned on the console, got the controllers and returned to my spot on the bed next to you. But when I started the game and leaned on your shoulder, you remained silent, but I could feel your breathing getting heavier. Confused, I wrapped my arm around you and pulled you closer. That's the moment when you buried your face in the crook of my neck and started to cry silently. Not one sound escaped from your lips but I could still feel the heaviness of your heart as if it was my own. Right then I knew for sure that you were hurting, but not in which way. I wanted to soothe you, but I didn't know how. 

So I just held you close until you calmed down. I honestly wished I could've done more for you. I wish I could've told you that I would be alright, that it was okay to feel that way and you didn't have to be ashamed about it. But I couldn't, because I had and still have no clue about what triggered it. And I feel guilty for it. I am angry at myself for not seeing the signs earlier, for not being able to give you the comfort that you needed in that moment.  Even though I know that there wasn't much to do with this little information, I am incredibly sorry for whatever pain you went through that morning. Maybe it wasn't just this one morning that made you break down. Maybe you've felt that way for more than days and to be honest, this uncertainty is going to drive me insane. Please don't shy away from worrying me or think that sharing those haunting thoughts with me will cause me any sort of harm. Because at least then I'll be able to help you. Not knowing what is haunting you and still seeing you hurting from it is much worse than being able to share your pain. It makes me feel so helpless and useless when I can't tell what you're currently suffering from. I want to share the weight that you're carrying and please trust me when I say that together, we'll be able to make it through this. 

You don't need to fight this on your own and you'll never have to again as long as I am by you're side. 

So please, please just let me in.