for when I need to get something off of my chest

am I that much of a burden?

I reminded my mum a couple of minutes ago that my therapy group is meeting up again tomorrow after a 3 week break. When I told her, I was already getting nervous, because I figured that she happily forgot that I even needed to go to therapy. That she had do  drive me there because I don't have my drivers license yet. And I was right.

After I told her she paused for a second. "Great.", she answered sharply and then added that we are still in a lockdown. My sister agreed and asked why therapy sessions are still allowed regarding to the current restrictions. In my head I returned a sad sigh, but in reality I wasn't able to squeeze out a little word. My heart just got way too heavy again, like it was pressing against my lungs and as a result hindering my breathing. I had this exact discussion with my mum so many times before, but she'll always be looking for new excuses for why I can't go to therapy. Now she said that she won't drive me anywhere tomorrow if it snows again. Even though the streets aren't icey or anything and you can easily drive on them. But I don't have the strength to discuss with her. And to be honest, I know she's only desperately searching for reasons to excuse herself from having to drive me there. Because it takes away time from her precious evening.

Even though I feel guilty for admitting this, but it hurts me a lot when she says this. Ever since I started going to this therapist on a weekly basis, she has been annoyed by the fact that she needed to drive me there and pick me up afterwards. She always tells me and always has been complaining to me about how stressed she is. And investing a bit of her time into my mental well being seems to only stress her more. I just feel like I'm a burden. If I would be strong enough to get through this on my own, if I just suffered in silence, no one would have to drive me there. I wouldn't have to feel this stinging guilt inside of me, which only gets worse with every time she responds with an exhausted sigh or angered words.  Deep inside of my I am also aware that it isn't my fault, that it's good that I'm getting help. But the guilt that I'm feeling is stronger. It awakens my dark thoughts, like the ones telling me that I have to be ashamed of myself. The self doubt telling me that everyone would be better of without me. That I didn't start breathing again after nearly dying when I was born 18 years ago. 

Yes, these thoughts are extreme. And no, I do not wish to die and I never really have. There was a time in my life where I didn't care anymore if I would've stopped existing, but that is in the past. Still, experiences like these make me question my self worth. Without my family, friends and now my boyfriend as well I wouldn't be at the place that I am right now. I'm doing way better than two years ago or even one year ago, when I was still trying to shrink myself into nothing.  I love them all dearly and I now that they all want to help me. My mum is probably one of the people who is trying their hardest to support me, but she sometimes has trouble with it. She doesn't know how phrases like "Oh great and I thought I didn't have to drive anywhere anymore today." hurt me and I don't blame her for that. She has done many things in order to help me with my mental health, but I still wish that me going to therapy wouldn't bother her as much.

I just wish that she could see how much it still helps me when I sit there for 100 minutes and can discuss taboo-topics with people my age. I wish that she could see that even tough I already got better, I still have to go a long way until I have fully recovered and that I need those evenings with the group.