AHigherExistence

I'm crafting a new story, beginning the trash draft (what I call the first draft), and I'm consumed by a weight I want to believe all artists bear. I'm forgetting words, writing a sentence or a passage a day, skipping chapters, sweating trying to blend the world-building in the plot. Characters. Dialogue. All that shit. Then one time, I went through my finished books, doing the usual "Oh, how did I even make this?" and searched my memory for that particular strain. ]
          
          I can't find it. I don't remember how I felt when I started the stories. There are bit and pieces scattered around my memory, maybe they are Experience. And I thought, why? Where did those irritations hide themselves? Those "Why did fuck did I choose this?" moments. And I KNOW I felt them. Cause I'm me, and cause it's hard. 
          
          And I am disgruntled. I remember the processes (I write everything down), but not the emotions that followed me through them. It's weird. 
          
          I feel like I've missed something. Maybe I was always looking at the end, waiting to drop the loads I carried, only to willingly chain more to me; an endless process of reaching for that horizon where the sun is mild and the breeze eases my aches and the flowers make me sleep peacefully forever. Maybe I feel I don't deserve the positive words I've gotten; yet the negative ones sting so. I'm not sure what I'm trying to say here. I just thought that this work was painful. It hurts, yet I think if I don't do it, I would die. 
          
          But I don't enjoy how the hard parts break apart and assimilate to bolster my mind. Because I can't look back at the processes and know it gets better if I can't remember their pain. So I'm stuck pulling my hair. Still, there's nothing I can do about that. 
          
          Yet. Yet. When I talk about it all, when I share all that I've done, I find myself smiling. Maybe they're not truly gone.

The Pride Awards have begun, but I'm not sure if I should submit Lucid or The Everything, for two reasons. 
          
          One. I plan to make The Everything an anthology in the future, but it's a distant future, so it doesn't affect my submission now. 
          
          Two, no one has read it yet, and unlike Lucid, being queer is almost inconsequential to the story. The submission form closes on May 20th. Hopefully, I receive some feedback from a judge in the awards I have entered before then. 
          
          This is the worst! I like both stories now I gotta choose one of them.
          
          (BTW, if you plan to enter, the actual link to the form is a message on the account's conversation board!)
          
          https://www.wattpad.com/story/369148687-the-pride-awards

Honestly not sure if I've done this one already, but here's a new award:
          
          https://www.wattpad.com/story/409543954-f-l-a-r-e-ferzareth-literary-awards-for-rising

New Award!
          
          https://www.wattpad.com/story/409715209-the-spellcaster-awards-2026

Almost missed this one
          
          https://www.wattpad.com/story/409331629-summertime-dreams-awards-2026

I simply love stumbling on awards! I like the cover on this one. 
          
          https://www.wattpad.com/story/408857746-%F0%9D%90%96%F0%9D%90%9A%F0%9D%90%AD%F0%9D%90%AD%F0%9D%90%A9%F0%9D%90%9A%F0%9D%90%9D-%F0%9D%90%8C%F0%9D%90%A2%F0%9D%90%A7%F0%9D%90%A2-%F0%9D%90%80%F0%9D%90%B0%F0%9D%90%9A%F0%9D%90%AB%F0%9D%90%9D

Hello there! I'm Amanda, pleased to meet you. Which of the 3 books you submitted do you want me to start with first? Is there anything you want me to keep in mind while reviewing? 

I ended up changing the cover anyway. But, goodness me, why is it so hard to find an appropriate font!
          
          https://www.wattpad.com/story/406637920-the-everything

For those of you who have read my book Lucid, I have a conundrum I need your help to solve.
          
          You see, when I started writing on Wattpad, I posted the chapters the same way they were in the manuscript --- long. I did not have a problem uploading 7,000 words or above as a chapter. But after one reviewer told me that most Wattpaders don't have the attention span to read such long chapters and advised me to shorten them, I scrapped the old book (mostly because my writing skills were subpar then), then I wrote Lucid. 
          
          Now, here comes the problem. I, like many others, enter contests or give my book to reviewers on this app. And there's one thing they all say: "Chapter one is boring, it gets interesting in chapter two." But the thing is, chapter one and chapter two are the same chapter in the manuscript! Chapters five and six on Wattpad are chapter three in the manuscript. 
          
          All the chapters have been cut into two, sometimes even three. But because of that, people are misconstruing my book. So, I'm here to ask: should I just upload the chapters the way they are, or keep them segmented? Cause I'm reaaaaally leaning towards the former.

Hiii there!<3 I was wondering if you would like to check out my Historical Romance called Deborah and The Duke’s Obsession. I’d seriously appreciate your votes and comments!!❤️ Have a great day! https://www.wattpad.com/story/363531501-deborah-and-the-duke%27s-obsession