Daddy

I may or may not have accidentally called Atticus from To Kill a Mockingbird a daddy in class the other day... I swear I didnt mean to say it as loud as a did

My mom found out that I was dating a girl. She made me break up with her and threatened to tell her parents. She didn’t because I told her that my... ex’s (I guess. I don’t know) dad is abusive.
          
          My mom expects me to not date girls until I’m 18. I don’t know if I’m gonna follow that rule. I don’t know if I like guys and girls or just girls yet. 
          
          On the bright side, my mom is starting to understand that me liking girls is most likely not a phase at this point. It’s been hard on her, and I’m almost sympathetic. I think she had an idea of what my future would be and I ruined that. 
          
          She says that I never showed signs when I was younger. I think I did, but she either turned a blind eye or they weren’t obvious. 
          
          She knows that what she did has been hard on me. She wants to send me back to therapy to work through this and make sure that I don’t kill myself or whatever. Not gonna lie, I’ve thought about it. The thought of having a wife and kids one day and taking my sisters on trips to Maine when they’re 16 and going to pride parades and clubs with my friends keeps me going. 
          
          I don’t know, things are hard right now. 
          
          I love you, though. Thanks for taking time to read this. 

A lot’s been happening recently and I’m not sure how to handle it all. 

I’ve been trying to talk to anybody about this, but the people I’ve messaged about this either didn’t respond or haven’t seen my messages yet, and I need to get this off my chest because I’ve been thinking about it all day. 
          
          I tried to kill myself yesterday. 
          
          I slept and sat in a car, windows rolled down, under the hot sun without any air conditioning for hours, hoping to have a heat stroke. 
          
          I didn’t have enough food in my system. I only had a caffeinated drink and a little bit of water. 
          
          I remember waking up and thinking, “I wonder if I can have a heat stroke,” and wanting to try because that would’ve been such a nice death. And the answer could’ve been yes if I was able to wait a few more hours, but eventually my mom got in the car, turned the air conditioning on and we went to go get something to eat and drink. 
          
          This is the first time I’ve ever tried/actually wanted to die, and I’m not sure how to feel. I didn’t even realize it was a suicide attempt until early this morning. I just don’t care about my well being, and I wanted to die, so... I stopped worrying about what could happen. 

I need to rant about my mom, but when I tried to make a post on my board about it, it deleted all of what I wrote and told me that my post exceeded the limit, so... does anyone wanna talk?

1) I’ve been okay with being called girl, she, her, and my birth name lately, which is fine I guess. I don’t feel like a girl, but I feel close enough so it’s fine. 
          
          2) Long weekends will be the death of me. As specially when I have to go to my dad’s house where I know nobody and have nobody to love. 
          
          3) Teenage hormones are just fantastic. The first two days of my long weekend were me being depressed and wanting to #Kermit, and the second half was me being super clingy and basically horny except without wanting sex, only making out. Also, I ate way more than I should have because my cramps were horrible and I’ve been so hungry. 
          
          4) Lmao I’m such a bottom. 
          
          5) I’m sure nobody cares about this shit and it probably doesn’t even make sense. I’m just really fucking tired. 
          
          Sorry for taking your time, beautiful humans.

So... semi important life update. I have a girlfriend, and I love her a lot. We don't really get to be affectionate with each other because we're only able to see each other at school, and (because my school is in my home town and almost everybody knows someone in my family) it's a big risk. I was afraid at first and now I honestly don't even wanna stop talking to her because she's amazing to me.
          
          Funny thing, though, we both don't believe each other when we say that we love each other because... anxiety???? We have a friend, though, who I talk to about it when I'm stressed or having a mild panic because my girlfriend is very VERY cute and my heart just can't take it. I found out that she also goes to the same friend, so we just end up ranting to our friend about how much we love each other at the same time. At least thats what I talk about.
          
          I just like her a lot, and stuff, so life is gr8

Today was my first day of high school. 
          
          I’ve slept a shit ton in the past few days and I’m still tired. 
          
          I’ve only eaten a small amount of pizza toppings and two microwave sausage and biscuits (which are pretty tiny), and I’m hungry but I don’t wanna eat. 
          
          My favorite teacher is my digital art and design teacher, and I’m going to try and get a good camera for my early birthday/Christmas from my parents and step parents.
          
          Jrotc is going to actually kill me, but I’m sure I’ll be fine. 
          
          I have a test on the second day of school. 
          
          I’m switching from trumpet to tuba for marching and concert season. 
          
          How’s you’re life going?

Do you ever text a friend and you end up teasing them?
          
          Then they don’t text back and you’re worried that they hate you and that you said something wrong?
          
          But you don’t wanna ask cause that’s clingy??????
          
          Ya know what I’m saying?????
          
          Idk I’m just afraid that I’ll lose someone because I was teasing them and they didn’t like it. I love this person a lot, and if I lost them because of what I said I’d be sad. It would be my fault, though. 
          
          Did I mention that I really don’t wanna loose this person because I love them dearly????????

I just snipped off some of the hair in the sideburn region just so it looks more masculine-ish. First time I've ever seriously cut my own hair, so I was v v nervous.