Tatlin

turning my message board into my personal ranting platform*
          
          It's been a while. I've been too busy to open any of my dump accounts to vent out. A lot has happened and each seemed to take a toll on my mental and emotional health. I've been really having a lot on my plate lately— mostly personal and financial issues, btw.  I'm glad that despite me not being able to express all of my emotions through writing which I've been really accustomed too, I still got to let some of my thoughts out through the people who offered me listening ears and open minds. However, unlike when I am writing down my thoughts, I can't express everything truthfully and accurately— verbally so, there are some thoughts that remained unsaid that eventually piles up creating a huge emotional baggage. 
          
          Yesterday while I was at work, I often find myself zoning out again— which didn't happen for a couple of weeks already. I also found myself tearing up. After months of successfully getting by, my battery died once again. 
          
          It sucks to be tired of being you. It sucks to hate yourself, too. I always JUST feel like I'm in the verge of a breaking down but just when I finally got my chance to do so, nothing's coming out. Just when I thought I was finally doing fine, my frustrations ruin everything I worked hard to align. 

This is my message for Binibining Mia... 
          
          Binibining Mia, 
          
          I've been an avid fan of yours since 2016 and "I Love You Since 1892" was the book that introduced you to me. I've been a silent reader here in wattpad contrary to how loud I was as a fan in social media. If I'm being honest, I'm greatly disappointed by the rumored casts of the upcoming adaptation of my favorite novel written by you. Ever since Marnella promoted the book and became the "original" and "official" portrayers of Juanito and Carmela, there wasn't a time when I read the book without them being Juanito and Carmela in my imagination. I must say that they really suit the characters of the book and that I can't see anyone but them giving life to my most beloved hundred-year-gap couple. I know you understand how we felt and you respected it. 
          
          However, seing how both disappointed and excited you are for the adaptation made me realized that before we felt this way about it, you felt everything first. The excitement for your most successful book finally having it's adaptation after years, the hope that everything will turn out great for it, the happiness you felt for us— sunshines because you've finally had the chance to give us what we have been waiting for, and of course the disappointment and sadness that the portrayers you personally picked and envisioned as Juanito and Carmela won't be the ones playing the role. 
          
          A lot of readers overlooked that fact and let their emotions get the best of them. I can't blame them if they felt betrayed and unsatisfied with the announcement and your confirmation because I felt that way too. But the bashing and baseless accusations didn't really sit right with me. I was deeply saddened by the news of you leaving wattpad after years of it being your home. 

Out of context but Charlie Fleming and Kira Balinger has just got evicted from the PBB House!!! 
          
          I'm so sad and disappointed! Charlie is one of my Big 4 but she just got evicted— wth
          
          Wildcard for Charlie, please. She deserves to be inside the house

hello!
          
          It's been more than a month since I was able to share my thoughts and express my emotions here and a lot of things happened. Unfortunately, most of those things aren't (let's say) that good. 
          
          

I wonder what was our dreams all about? 

recently...
          
          
          
          I've noticed drastic changes in my behaviour and mood. I always feel like my emotions are on the edge of bursting out. One small inconvenience ruins my mood for the whole day. My mood swings are also extremely evident and they cause people to misunderstand me. 
          
          I have been considering seeking professional help to fully understand myself better but I don't know how, when, and where to go. I am also a little scared of the results, though I'm very open to discussing and expressing myself. 
          
          As of now, I think I can still manage as I can recognise each emotion very well and I still can hold them in. My ranting accounts also played a big part in keeping me sane. For now, this will do. 

SORRY FOR PLUGGING!
          
          COMPLETE STORY!
          
          https://www.wattpad.com/story/333323645?utm_source=android&utm_medium=link&utm_content=story_info&wp_page=story_details_button&wp_uname=darkshadowzxz

I'm sure something's wrong with me. 
          
          There were times that I just felt a sudden burst of emotions whether I was doing something or nothing at all. I tend to just cry out of nowhere and I know that it's definitely not normal anymore. I want to seek help, I really do but something is keeping me from doing it, I don't know what but it's pulling me back. 

To be misunderstood is hard especially when you are an understanding person. 
          
          Lately, I've noticed how my close friends/workmates treat me differently. One day, one of my closest started to ignore me. Thinking that she was just not in the mood to talk to anyone that day, I let her be. The next day, I received the same treatment from her again but I tried to talk to her and ask her if she was alright. She said she was in a high tone, I backed off. 
          
          Later that day, I noticed how she was normal towards our other friends but not with me so I tried to talk to her normally as well. I coaxed her but she remained distant. Three days passed and her attitude towards me continued to be different. So I asked our friends. 
          
          "Is she mad at me? Did she mention anything about me doing anything wrong to her? Why is she being distant from me?"
          
          They said that she was just not feeling her best the past few days and that she also tends to ignore them sometimes. Sometimes. But why is she ignoring me the whole day for three days straight?
          
          They were going out, inviting each other to hang out without me. She was still like that towards me even though how hard I tried to coax her. One day, I just got tired. 
          
          As far as I know, I never did anything wrong to her. What made her treat me differently from the others?
          
          Why are they not inviting me over? 
          
          Why do I feel like they're drifting away from me?
          
          Why do I feel like they don't want to be friends with me anymore?
          
          What did I ever do wrong?

Earlier at work during slack hours, I found myself preoccupied by the same dangerous thoughts again. Trying to divert my attention and shrug off the negative emotion, I went beside one of my workmates who had the same nickname as I do. 
          
          She also seemed as tired and distracted as I was at that time. I patted her back and told her something I got used to saying to the people I care for. 
          
          Stroking her back, I told her, "Bleep, ok lang 'yan" repeatedly. 
          
          She laughed and told me, "It was like you are saying that to yourself".
          
          And just like that, the negative emotion came back, unwantedly. 
          
          I realized that it has always been like that. I always try to motivate the people around me. I always tend to cheer them on. I care for them genuinely but sometimes I can't help but wish to receive something in return. Because just like them, I'm also tired already. The rope that I've been holding onto feels so tiny but it's always just me. It's just me who encourages me.