Tatlin

hello!
          
          It's been more than a month since I was able to share my thoughts and express my emotions here and a lot of things happened. Unfortunately, most of those things aren't (let's say) that good. 
          
          

I wonder what was our dreams all about? 

recently...
          
          
          
          I've noticed drastic changes in my behaviour and mood. I always feel like my emotions are on the edge of bursting out. One small inconvenience ruins my mood for the whole day. My mood swings are also extremely evident and they cause people to misunderstand me. 
          
          I have been considering seeking professional help to fully understand myself better but I don't know how, when, and where to go. I am also a little scared of the results, though I'm very open to discussing and expressing myself. 
          
          As of now, I think I can still manage as I can recognise each emotion very well and I still can hold them in. My ranting accounts also played a big part in keeping me sane. For now, this will do. 

SORRY FOR PLUGGING!
          
          COMPLETE STORY!
          
          https://www.wattpad.com/story/333323645?utm_source=android&utm_medium=link&utm_content=story_info&wp_page=story_details_button&wp_uname=darkshadowzxz

I'm sure something's wrong with me. 
          
          There were times that I just felt a sudden burst of emotions whether I was doing something or nothing at all. I tend to just cry out of nowhere and I know that it's definitely not normal anymore. I want to seek help, I really do but something is keeping me from doing it, I don't know what but it's pulling me back. 

To be misunderstood is hard especially when you are an understanding person. 
          
          Lately, I've noticed how my close friends/workmates treat me differently. One day, one of my closest started to ignore me. Thinking that she was just not in the mood to talk to anyone that day, I let her be. The next day, I received the same treatment from her again but I tried to talk to her and ask her if she was alright. She said she was in a high tone, I backed off. 
          
          Later that day, I noticed how she was normal towards our other friends but not with me so I tried to talk to her normally as well. I coaxed her but she remained distant. Three days passed and her attitude towards me continued to be different. So I asked our friends. 
          
          "Is she mad at me? Did she mention anything about me doing anything wrong to her? Why is she being distant from me?"
          
          They said that she was just not feeling her best the past few days and that she also tends to ignore them sometimes. Sometimes. But why is she ignoring me the whole day for three days straight?
          
          They were going out, inviting each other to hang out without me. She was still like that towards me even though how hard I tried to coax her. One day, I just got tired. 
          
          As far as I know, I never did anything wrong to her. What made her treat me differently from the others?
          
          Why are they not inviting me over? 
          
          Why do I feel like they're drifting away from me?
          
          Why do I feel like they don't want to be friends with me anymore?
          
          What did I ever do wrong?

Earlier at work during slack hours, I found myself preoccupied by the same dangerous thoughts again. Trying to divert my attention and shrug off the negative emotion, I went beside one of my workmates who had the same nickname as I do. 
          
          She also seemed as tired and distracted as I was at that time. I patted her back and told her something I got used to saying to the people I care for. 
          
          Stroking her back, I told her, "Bleep, ok lang 'yan" repeatedly. 
          
          She laughed and told me, "It was like you are saying that to yourself".
          
          And just like that, the negative emotion came back, unwantedly. 
          
          I realized that it has always been like that. I always try to motivate the people around me. I always tend to cheer them on. I care for them genuinely but sometimes I can't help but wish to receive something in return. Because just like them, I'm also tired already. The rope that I've been holding onto feels so tiny but it's always just me. It's just me who encourages me. 

Been feeling out of the blue lately. I always feel like I'm on the edge of a huge breakdown. 
          
          Fast-phased mood swings, overwhelming negative emotions, and mentally damaging thoughts— I always have them. 
          
          Recently, I've been finding myself staring at a blank space, crying, and feeling sad. I overthink about a lot of things, most of them are painful to think of but I can't think of anything else. It feels like I don't have control of my own mind anymore. 
          
          I don't feel like me anymore. 

Am I really this kind of person? Am I this rotten?

Lately, I've been craving for an indefinite isolation from everybody. I've never had this strong urge to travel alone to get away from everything and to disconnect myself from everyone before. But recently, I've really been wanting to flee. I feel suffocated. 
          
          It's actually not the people around me that make me feel this way, it's me. It's all the demons in my head that make me think badly of the people around me even when I shouldn't.