Ashnah Khalid Khan

Perhaps the reason I hated him was because he took the anger out of me. I felt empty. I resented him, for stripping me of the only thing I truly knew how to feel. Without it, I am lost every second. I do not know what fuels me. Love? Such inferior, mediocre, unreliable arsenal. Anger, anger is the only real force. And now, I have none of it left. I am but an obsolete pistol, a worn-out knife, an ancient sword that now sits only in a glass case in a museum, rust polished to a meagre finish only to speak of the glory of victory that was, allegedly, gained long, long, long ago...

I am lost, I am lost, I am lost...

Nothing like a good old-fashioned injury to put life into perspective...

I don't think guys realize how insanely attractive they suddenly become when they say things like "Oh, I have a match" or "Hey, gotta run; have a project I need to complete" or "Yeah, I was just dropping my sister to university" like dudeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee, that's too much for me. God.

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          I see a fond resemblance between myself and those stone statues in old gardens. The ones that crack and wither with time, and become enveloped in fibers of green stems and moss patches and wild flowers. You think they're a work of art, a thing of beauty, something magical even. You forget, they're just a piece of stone...
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          You know things are serious when even food doesn't make you happy anymore. Huh. Hmm... Didn't think we'd end up here.
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          So this is what it feels like to leap, trip and not be caught. I feel kinda let down, to put it simply. I shouldn't have to ASK for back-up or support or just hey, can you clear up how he thinks I hid something from him. The next one year isn't going to be a nice one. It's going to be filled with more of these, and perhaps this is a foreshadowing. Maybe, dropping out is the best thing I can do right now. For everyone. Maybe it really is a lot harder to work under the nagging feeling of unworthiness and exclusivity all the time and it will consume me. I'm not the same as them; gauge us on any metric you like. Maybe I should start telling people how hurt I actually get, how hurt I easily am. This tough exterior won't do for long. Then again, maybe I won't. Self-sabotage is right up my forte after all. Perhaps it's time to find peace in work again. Alone and away from people who call themselves 'friends'. What an awfully bad start it is to summer.
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          There was something absolutely concerning about these comments and questions that suggested anything but innocent curiosity or small talk. Funny how some people are rude unapologetically as a defense mechanism. This is definitely not one of those cases. She's smart. He's smart. They're smart. They know what they're doing. Sometimes, it's better to not let everything slide as a joke after all. There's also the nagging feeling that I should reach out to someone whom I think _may_ be hurting right now. But there is also the feeling that they're going to _probably_ turn up the sass and blame it on me somehow. I'm not trying to be anyone's friend right now. I'm really not. I'm just trying to think of how to survive for the next 380 days. After that, they can blame me for anything I've not done and it won't matter any more. Lost my trail of thought AGAIN. Gotta stop writing on impulse...
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          I thought I was a complainer, at least good enough to let people know when I was being bothered by something. I have a feeling they don't know anything at all about what they're doing. Actually, I don't. I think they're just trying to see how far they can push me until... until what? Seriously. Until WHAT? What does anyone here have anything to gain from at all? "The male romance with the power to intimidate"; nope, it's the HUMAN romance with the power to intimidate. The power to dominate. The power to control. Every person I know has a vice that sickens me. And every person I know has played some part in my life to affect me. I lost my trail of thought. I'm writing nonsense again. Forgot why I started writing at all.
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          I'm not sure if it was recommendation algorithms or just a cruel joke in play when the "The friend that secretly hates you" video showed up on YouTube shorts, but I sure felt it. Funnily enough, you take away everyone who's ever used "brutal honesty" as an excuse for just plain mean behavior, and everyone who's helped you in the pursuit of something in exchange (however innocent they're going to act like it was), and everyone who's stepped over boundaries thinking they were invisible lines, and everyone who's ever competed with you when you've chosen not to, and everyone who's pulled you aside to make sure you went lengths for them in return of, well, nothing... Yeah, you take everyone like that away and the last 8 years just feel kinda lonely, but crowded. Noise. It's all just noise.
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