FoxieBoi112
Hello Wattpad, I know none of you will see this, or if you do, it won't be for a damn long while. I want to make stories on here as I have many in the works that have been in such a state for years, however, I've got a lot happening and, as much as matters in no way to whomever might find this, I want to talk about it. Not talk with anyone, just talk about it as I cant tell anyone I actually know. I have an overabundance of mental and physical issues, most if not all, since childhood. One of these issues is my depression. It's bad, I know. I know that it's bad that it's making me suicidal, however, I only ever wanted help for a few months when I was fourteen. My mother and immediate family are very aware of this, mostly because all of them at some point or another witnessed me nearly die to my "idiocy". As I'm sure you can guess, it wasn't actually idiocy that almost killed me, but me, in a "planned accident" sort of way. 1/?
FoxieBoi112
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Two weeks ago, she told my therapist about how "I'm scared I'm going to just open the door to get you in the morning and you'll be dead on the floor" despite that she has not woken me up in the morning in four years. My mother has said to me when I tell her that I want to kill myself"As long as I dont have to clean you up off the floor". Once I responded "Dont worry, I'll be in the street" and she just shrugged in the way mothers do to say "not my problem". When she told my therapist, my therapist told me that she wanted my mother to call an inpatient program and have me admitted and had me sign some "waiver" that I had to tell my mother any time I was feeling suicidal. It's just as dumb as it sounds. My mother called today after my neurology appointment while standing right next to me and repeated part of her "self-pity-victim-woe-is-me party" song and dance and scheduled me to "meet with the people" next monday. Practically telling me to my face that, next week, six days from today, Im going to be stuck in either an inpatient or outpatient program on basically suicide watch. I feel like she searched "fastest way to make your suicidal teen with ODD and extreme generalized anxiety disorder more suicidal and officially write you out of their life". It's so fun. 4/4
FoxieBoi112
I have a (very useless) therapist, just hold onto that for a moment. Two months ago, with heavy emphasis on two, my mother was pressuring me about college on the drive home after dropping my boyfriend off at his house, and I snapped sort of and told her my current state of suicidal. I switch sometimes between "I wish that I wouldn't wake up when I fell asleep" and "I know my town is full of drunk drivers who don't have their lights on at night", usually I am thinking about the drunks in my town. I told my mother that I was just waiting for my boyfriend and my friends to take a moment and realize that they too don't like me enough to be stuck with me forever and leave so I would be free from the guilt of hurting them and just go through with it finally. My mother rolled her eyes and said that it wasn't a good enough reason to not want to go to college and that I should just try it for the first semester. 3/?
FoxieBoi112
@FoxieBoi112 Whether it was crossing before a train last minute, not looking both ways, not walking in a cross walk, my actual inability to swim very well, my disregard for food and water, or any of the other things I tried. I know it seems like they wouldn't entirely be able to realize what I was doing, but they all knew of my depression, and my older sister even scolded me more than once for trying to kill myself. My little sister, by one year only, was someone I often confided in when I felt I wanted to try again or failed an attempt. I think that shows just how aware they all are. That is not to mention the hardly hidden self inflicted injuries from an exacto knife or picking at my skin too much. Now that an understanding is made, I must also mention that I truly do have good reasons for hating being alive, it's not simply a case of "I didn't get my way or the toy I wanted! How can I get it??" or "I didn't get my way so now I'm going to harm myself for pity and attention so I'll get my way!". No. I'm not vain like my little sister has become. 2/?