"If life gives you lemons, arrange them into a vaguely threatening symbol, take a picture, and post it with the caption 'The citrus uprising begins at dawn.' Then go take a nap."

I'm the human equivalent of putting a "Kick Me" sign on your own back and then acting confused when someone does. I move through life with the serene calm of a person who just microwaved a fish in the office kitchen and is now innocently asking, "Do you guys smell something?"

I'm also your professional funni ol' ragerbaiter. I don't just poke the bear-I hand the bear a strongly worded, grammatically incorrect pamphlet on why its hibernation habits are lazy. I find the precise pressure point in any conversation (online or IRL) and apply the perfect amount of conversational torque just to watch the gears grind. My creativity shines brightest when crafting the most outlandishly wrong take imaginable, delivered with the deadpan sincerity of a weather reporter. "Actually, triangles are overrated. Too pointy." Sips drink. Watches chaos unfold.

Anyway I say all of that to conclude I'm just a writer (and reader) trying to get big with his terrible characters.